Today sucked. I was feeling so down and distracted all day I barely got three hours of work done.

I went to Subway for lunch and a friend of a friend was behind me. I really like her and I'd love to be friends with her, so I started to say hello but then just couldn't do it. I couldn't make the small talk that would have been required. I just couldn't imagine pretending not to feel like crap. So it was a little awkward as we both pretended we didn't just meet ten days ago* and I leaned against the wall wishing I were home in bed. And that pretty much sums up my emotional state for most of the day.

I. Am. Going. To. Fail. This. Exam.

I have to just face that fact and spend the next three days frantically doing damage control. Like Hillary in NH; I just have to try not to lose by too much and pray for a miracle. And maybe cry a little over lunch and hope a professor sees me and takes pity.

Drew is taking me to a concert tonight (he got me tickets to see Mika as a xmas gift). Hopefully that will cheer me up and I can start tomorrow fresh and full of purpose and clear of all these emotions that keep dragging me down.

* It is, of course, extremely likely that Faith didn't remember me and that the awkwardness of the whole situation was completely in my own mind. Which, again, is a pretty good indication of my wasted neurotic energies lately.

 

I'm going to change the blog so you don't have to sign up to leave a comment. Please feel free to post things in the comments section that you might normally put in an email. Because I'm terrible about emailing people back these days.

 

I'm studying for Monday's exam this week. Less posting sorry sorry blah blah blah.

Drew and I are doing well. He thinks he was poorly-portrayed in that last post, FYI. My response: "Get your own blog, then." Now, of course, I'm tempted to offer a defense of his character. But most of you know him and can accept that my postings about him never give a full picture of the man. I'm trying to just write without censorship and obviously everything is completely influenced by how I feel in any given moment. I'm happy to hear feedback from people but keep in mind that this thing is in some ways a diary and so I'm not necessarily always going to be fair and objective.

Edwards dropped out today. It sort of rubs me the wrong way that everyone immediately wants to know whom he'll endorse. I'm glad he didn't do that. I thought he ran an interesting campaign, and although he didn't fire me up like he did a few years ago I appreciated his focus on poverty. He was a brave candidate in a lot of ways, I thought (for instance, he put out an actual healthcare plan to cover everyone long before Clinton & Obama). In general, though, this primary is stressing me the fuck out and I wish it would end already. I have enough stress in my life. I want Hillary to win. If she's not going to win let's just get Barack nominated and be done with it.

I went to church on Sunday for the first time in over a decade. I guess that's not really true. My friend Jenn and I went to a Unitarian Universalist church in Santa Monica sometime in 2003 or 2004, but I think we were just bored. These past few weeks I've felt so stressed out and on Sunday I guess I was looking for some kind of moral guidance or something. Or maybe just some space that was focused on the general good, or being a good person, as opposed to a space mostly focused on me. I've become a little too obsessed over my own emotions and stresses lately.

It was nice, although I spent most of the time thinking "This'll be great for the blog." I'm not into all the "Jesus Christ is our Lord and Saviour" talk. The sermon itself was good: informal, short, moderately inspiring. It was about preaching and healing within your community by being a good friend to the people in your life. About "preaching the Word" just by being a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, etc. That I can handle.

But then there was a lot of chanting about the Lord that made me uncomfortable. Plus there were only eight other people in attendance so it was kind of obvious that I wasn't joining in on those parts. That's all right, though. It was nice meeting a new group of people. I like that most of them were over fifty because Drew and I rarely get to meet people outside of our age group. I'm not sure I'll go back. Maybe I should give it a few more tries before I make a decision. How long can you go to church without really believing in "the Word" and "the Saviour your Lord Jesus Christ"?

I'm staring at that question mark and wondering how many people will feel I should have put it inside the quotation mark.

After church Drew and I had a pretty emotional, er, conversation. Somedays it's all just more than I can handle. But we got through it and ended up having a really fun day, actually. We hung out with Tip and saw a movie and went out for drinks. Poor Drew. He doesn't know what to do with me these days.

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday. It was a good session. I got a lot off of my chest. She thinks it's good that I'm coming in regularly but agrees that I don't need medication or anything. There are lots of reasons I need to keep seeing her, some of which I'll share and some of which I won't. A lot of it is just the combination of all the changes I've gone through this year plus the stress of school plus trying to make this relationship work in its fourth year (which is further than Drew and I have ever made it with someone before and requires compromises and commitments we've never made to another person.) I should probably just stop trying to fix this not-broken relationship and calm down about everything. I'm trying to be calmer, but anxiety can't really be ignored. It starts coming out in all kinds of places if you don't deal with it. Exercise is a good start, but it's not enough. I'm working on it, though. Somedays I feel like everything is going to work out and then some days I feel like I'll never make it through to the other side (of school, marriage, kids, debt). The worries can be endless.

I guess I should go home now. Drew's inviting our friend Shara over for dinner, and then Shara and I are supposed to "study" (i.e. we're going to whine and complain and fret.)

 

I got to the library at 8:39 this morning. My goal today is eight hours of studying. It's amazing how I can feel so pumped in the morning to do eight hours straight (getting out of here by 5:00) and how a couple hours later I feel so depressed about it and wonder if I'll even be able to study for four hours.

"It's not the time you spend studying, it's the quality of your study time." Yeah, yeah. I know. Which is why I use a timer and any time my mind starts to wander or I have to read the same passage more than twice I stop the timer and don't count that towards my eight hours.

Okay. I've done three hours now. It's 1:13. I can still be done by 7 or 8:00. Eww, that seemed okay when I thought it but now that I've typed it it sounds like bullshit. Maybe I'll settle for seven hours? No, eight hours. I can do it.

Jana had her baby this week. Wednesday. 8 pounds, 21". Stella. When I got the text message from Jana's partner, Steve, saying "Stella is here" I wished so much that I could have been there for the birth. I can't imagine what it must be like to be able to create a new life with someone you love. I wish I could have that. I'm banking on the fact that raising a non-biological baby with someone you love will be equally fulfilling, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not envious of people who can do it the hetero way. (Although I'm definitely not jealous of the fact that casual sex could result in a child that would yoke you to a virtual stranger for the rest of your life.)

Drew and I were in bed when the news came. We had just had a pretty emotional argument the day before about wanting children. Drew has always been reluctant (and oftentimes downright anti-) and I've become increasingly pro-. So much so that now I'm 100% sure that I'm going to have to have kids at some point.

Drew and I have had other problems this month, and he accused me of using the baby thing as an excuse to drive him away. I definitely feel confused about things in general -- which probably explains the inability to focus at school, among other things. Drew said he thinks I should go on an antidepressant, which he's always opposed in the past. Unfortunately my psychiatrist cancelled on Thursday so I couldn't talk to her about that. I did tell Drew I think we should get into couples' therapy, because we have some issues that are eventually going to come to a head which neither of us wants to confront on any given day. Like, for instance, how residency (which is 3-5 years of a grueling schedule) is going to affect our relationship. How I might not be able to get into a California program, which would mean a solid decade in a city Drew would rather not live in. How having children is going to influence which area of medicine I choose and, therefore, how much money I make. I mean, no one wants to bring those things up at dinner, and when I do try to bring up something sensitive Drew shuts down and tells me not to discuss it. Enter the counselor.

Shit. Now it's 1:26.

 

This past weekend Drew mentioned to our new friend Tip that I have a blog. I was less than thrilled because (a) it's embarrassing and kind of narcissistic to write a blog, I think, (b) I'm paranoid about my grammar and punctuation and (c) I don't want to think about all the years and years worth of angst someone could read through in the archives. So I didn't give him the URL. Unfortunately, being a smart and resourceful person (or just being bored at work), Tip went online Monday morning and found his way here without my help. That afternoon he sent me an email saying he stopped reading when he realized it was all about how stressed out I am about school stuff.

Then two nights ago I got a phone call from my sister, saying "Are you okay? I read your blog and you seem depressed."

So I want to promise you I'm not a complete basketcase. And I am doing other things besides stressing out about school. I'm exercising, I'm listening to lots of music (mostly the new Alicia Keys album, which I've decided to stop being embarrassed about because it's a damn good album. Okay, I'm still a little embarrassed), and Drew and I are doing really well. I am stressed the fuck out about schoolwork, but I don't want you to think I'm on the verge of suicide or anything. It's just that writing about anxiety is more helpful to me than writing "I love my boyfriend!" or "Track #3 is my current fave -- check it out!"

To update you on my current anxiety: I've pledged to average 4 hours of studying a day. It's not enough to prepare for the exam, but it should get me back on track. I just finished yesterday's four hour block. I've got 2-1/2 hours before my next class, which means I have to study a couple hours after dinner tonight. Which blows. I guess I should get back to it.

Oh, for those of you who remember how wrapped up I became in River Phoenix's death in '93 -- I gotta say the Heath Ledger thing really took me back. Drew and my Mom and Tip were all in agreement that it was tragic. Katie didn't really give a crap. I called her and she was clearly busy, and when I said, sarcastically, "Don't let it distract you from work, Katie" she shot back with "Clearly it's distracting you from your work." Ha! Jerk. I did definitely milk the drama to get out of studying too much last night, although I think it was also feeding into my generally depressed spirit. I've overheard people talking about it today (people who were 8 years old in 1993) and it's strange to hear them say things about Ledger being the first celebrity in "our generation" to die. Am I in a different generation from 23 year-olds? (Someone brought up Anna Nicole, by the way, and so the statement was amended to "celebrities we care about." That stings. And clearly Brad Renfro is getting no love from these people, either.)

Drew asked me last night if Heath and Jake were good friends. I said no, because to my knowledge they weren't. I was there when Jake filmed Brokeback, and I know they got along really well. But Jake gets along with pretty much everyone (except Gwyneth Paltrow). Well today I read in the paper that Jake is godfather to Heath & Michelle Williams' daugher. Which surprised me because, like I said, I never knew them to have much interaction with each other after the movie. I mean, clearly I don't know everything Jake does. But I did deal with his birthday party invites (which was big on sexy starlets, including a very recently-divorced Reese Witherspoon) and Heath and Michelle were never brought up. That's all just silly gossip, but I thought I'd throw it out there to prove I think about stupid shit, too, and that I'm not a total wreck 24/7.

 

Yesterday I studied for five hours. Four hours and fifty-three minutes, actually.

I have to get at least that much done today, although I need to ramp it up to 608 hours leading up to the first exam. How could I let myself get so far behind?

We went to bed at 11:00 last night, and I had big plans to wake up at 5:00 and exercise and get to school an hour early to study. I rolled out of bed at 6:30. Didn't exercise. Didn't get to school early.

I have two hours before my next class. Hopefully I can study for both of them.

 

I guess this is depression. This feeling certainly isn't new to me. It comes up every once in a while, every couple years, and every time I'm shocked when I self-diagnose. How did this happen? Where did this come from? It manifests itself in different ways, and sometimes if I start trying to make decisions when I'm under this cloud I can really fuck up my life. I've left a good job because of it. I've left a good boyfriend because of it. I've gotten rid of friends and smoked lots of pot to try to fix it.

But I can't afford to do dumb, shortsighed stuff like that anymore. I have to motor through and do well in school and maintain my life with Drew. And actually I have to try to do more than just "keep up." I have to try to do better at school, be happier, be a better partner.

I've been MIA from the blog as I've been dealing with poor decisions and confused feelings. I've written and erased so many blog entries that weren't even remotely truthful. I didn't know what I was truly thinking or why I was acting the way I was acting and I couldn't bear to take a deeper look. And I still can't, really.

I've been confusing cause and effect, and I came dangerously close to damaging my relationship. But I started seeing the school's psychiatrist this week and I think she's going to be able to help clear up my thinking.

You don't need to worry about me, though. In normal life this episode would barely be worth talking about; it's just that with the pressures of school and being in a new city and all the stress that's put on my relationship with Drew, everything is magnified out of proportion.

Today I'm going to work for a few hours (more than the four hours I managed last Friday which, incidentally, is the longest stretch of work I've done in the past eight days). Also, over the past ten days I've rededicated myself to exercising every day and I really think that's helped turn things around. Also I'm going to make a concerted effort to make time I spend with Drew more meaningful.

You'll know if I'm being successful by how often I'm able to write an entry. Although don't expect weekend entries, as Madeline broke Drew's MacBook Pro and then two days later I broke his MacBook. Now all we have is our iPhones, and writing a length blog entry on a phone isn't much fun.

 

I studied for four hours today!!! A month ago that would have been cause for disappointment (instead of celebration) but these days I'll take what I can get.

I've decided that the only reason I was able to work so hard in the second block (which ended before the holidays) was because I was still operating inside the fog of ridiculous personal expectations fostered by block 1 (which nearly killed me it was so damn hard) and that somehow that caused me to forget how fun it is to laze about and generally be unproductive. Being done with work at 3:00 is really pretty damn nice. Which is also why, so far, block 3 is proving to be a real bitch.

I wanted to go home SO BADLY at 2:00 today. But Drew wasn't answering his phone or replying to my text messages, so I couldn't justify it. Had I managed to get ahold of him before 4:00 I would have used him as an excuse to go back to Center City.

Every day I make a plan for my studying that allows me to review all the material leading up to next Wednesday's quiz. And then, once I've committed the plan to paper, I don't follow through. For the past two days I've completely ignored the plan, which of course just means the next day I have a more compressed, hellish schedule. Which also gets ignored. So now if I study during every waking moment between now and Wednesday I'll be in good shape.

Our new friend Brad got annoyed with me last night for complaining about my inability to study. Brad is a believer in "taking it easy" and insists that the grades during years one and two "really don't mean much." I nodded and agreed and inside was thinking "But I still have to get honors in every class." Now I just have to keep Brad from saying shit like that in front of Drew. Drew doesn't need any more reason to stop listening when I complain about how hard school is.

It's 7:10 on a Friday night. I really shouldn't be in my med school's library writing a blog entry. I'm going home now.

I wish you guys could see my hair. I told someone today, "I need to get a haircut" (secretly thinking that my hair actually looked pretty good) and she responded "Yeah." So I went to the bathroom and realized that it looks like I'm wearing a Ronald McDonald wig. Or like I'm my mom in the late 80s.

 

I did no work yesterday. That was bad.

I went for a 13-mile run (which was good), but I realized halfway through that I hadn't had enough to drink (which was bad). I barely made it home.

Also, I got my Block 2 grade this morning and I got honors. Which shocked the hell out of me because I was sure that wasn't possible. On every exam 15-20 people got 96+ points. And I was always in the mid-low 90s. But I guess it wasn't the same 15-20 people every time. Honors means my final grade for the course put me in the top 12%.

It was almost as exciting as the most gratifying, surprising thing I remember happening in presidential politics (from my POV) in the past 16 years: the New Hampshire results. The female & registered democrat voters of NH made me happier than I can say. I probably could articulate it, but then I wouldn't be able to make up for all the work I didn't do yesterday. I have to get back to reading now.

 

Why is this happening? I'm completely depressed about it. Maybe I was already depressed and this is just accentuating it.

I'm not going to rant, because that'll be really boring. If you want to argue with me about it please give me a call. I'm sure you both have my number. It's just that this seems to me to just be another example of style over substance. Which, when you get out and work around successful people, you see more often than seems fair. Who is this person? Who is he? He's hopeful, I get that. He inspires people. I get that. But the country is in a MESS. Hope just isn't going to get us where we need to go.

Oh, that was kind of rant-y.

It's noon. It's 58 degrees outside. I really need to work 5-6 hours today. But I'd also love to go for a run. Ugh. Decisions. Priorities. I need to reserve a few hours tonight to mourn the Clinton dominance of the primary race.

 

Drew and I have been sick. I woke up this morning feeling like crap; now I'm concerned about my ability to get through a whole day of studying.

I took an unannounced break from the blog to study for my final, to enjoy my holiday in Los Angeles, and to deal with some personal stuff. Drew's leveled a charge against this blog -- that I'm not completely honest here. It's a struggle to say everything in an honest way (you should try it) because half the time my mind is preoccupied with analyzing my own behavior and feelings. Still, I try.

I think Drew just wants me to talk about every little personal thing. He just came in and said: "Are you blogging about our sex life?" "No." "Why not?" Ha. Uhm... because my Mom reads this!

In school and in my personal life I struggle to control selfish impulses. I am self-destructive in an all-or-none kind of way. Either I'm a monk who doesn't do anything but study, or I'm drinking 3 gin & tonics and watching 6 hours of videos. I told Katie's sister on New Year's Eve that my resolution was "more balance." More time for meditation, exercise... a more reasonable amount of studying every day so I don't get burnt out. And not over-indulging myself. It applies to other things as well, which I'm not talking about on this blog.

I've not been bad really, not really self-destructive (I can hear Jana saying "Lighten up! Jesus!") but I've definitely approached that line and turned back. This weekend I may have been inebriated a little more than is advisable, for instance.

I need to stick to the blog, though. Because usually not writing the blog is an indication that there are things I'm not comfortable dealing with openly. And I want to deal with everything openly.

I'm also going to stop apologizing for all the "anxiety" posts. Because the two people who read this blog know I'm in med school and so you don't come here expecting me to do book reviews.

It sucks when you know you have 8 hours of work to do and it's already 11:11 in the morning. Because that means if you're a total robot you won't finish until after dinner. And that, if you're like me, you'll finish 6 hours of work by 10:00 and feel like a total failure. And then you'll have three gin & tonics and watch four hours of videos and be exhausted in class tomorrow.