I guess this is depression. This feeling certainly isn't new to me. It comes up every once in a while, every couple years, and every time I'm shocked when I self-diagnose. How did this happen? Where did this come from? It manifests itself in different ways, and sometimes if I start trying to make decisions when I'm under this cloud I can really fuck up my life. I've left a good job because of it. I've left a good boyfriend because of it. I've gotten rid of friends and smoked lots of pot to try to fix it.

But I can't afford to do dumb, shortsighed stuff like that anymore. I have to motor through and do well in school and maintain my life with Drew. And actually I have to try to do more than just "keep up." I have to try to do better at school, be happier, be a better partner.

I've been MIA from the blog as I've been dealing with poor decisions and confused feelings. I've written and erased so many blog entries that weren't even remotely truthful. I didn't know what I was truly thinking or why I was acting the way I was acting and I couldn't bear to take a deeper look. And I still can't, really.

I've been confusing cause and effect, and I came dangerously close to damaging my relationship. But I started seeing the school's psychiatrist this week and I think she's going to be able to help clear up my thinking.

You don't need to worry about me, though. In normal life this episode would barely be worth talking about; it's just that with the pressures of school and being in a new city and all the stress that's put on my relationship with Drew, everything is magnified out of proportion.

Today I'm going to work for a few hours (more than the four hours I managed last Friday which, incidentally, is the longest stretch of work I've done in the past eight days). Also, over the past ten days I've rededicated myself to exercising every day and I really think that's helped turn things around. Also I'm going to make a concerted effort to make time I spend with Drew more meaningful.

You'll know if I'm being successful by how often I'm able to write an entry. Although don't expect weekend entries, as Madeline broke Drew's MacBook Pro and then two days later I broke his MacBook. Now all we have is our iPhones, and writing a length blog entry on a phone isn't much fun.