Drew and I have been sick. I woke up this morning feeling like crap; now I'm concerned about my ability to get through a whole day of studying.

I took an unannounced break from the blog to study for my final, to enjoy my holiday in Los Angeles, and to deal with some personal stuff. Drew's leveled a charge against this blog -- that I'm not completely honest here. It's a struggle to say everything in an honest way (you should try it) because half the time my mind is preoccupied with analyzing my own behavior and feelings. Still, I try.

I think Drew just wants me to talk about every little personal thing. He just came in and said: "Are you blogging about our sex life?" "No." "Why not?" Ha. Uhm... because my Mom reads this!

In school and in my personal life I struggle to control selfish impulses. I am self-destructive in an all-or-none kind of way. Either I'm a monk who doesn't do anything but study, or I'm drinking 3 gin & tonics and watching 6 hours of videos. I told Katie's sister on New Year's Eve that my resolution was "more balance." More time for meditation, exercise... a more reasonable amount of studying every day so I don't get burnt out. And not over-indulging myself. It applies to other things as well, which I'm not talking about on this blog.

I've not been bad really, not really self-destructive (I can hear Jana saying "Lighten up! Jesus!") but I've definitely approached that line and turned back. This weekend I may have been inebriated a little more than is advisable, for instance.

I need to stick to the blog, though. Because usually not writing the blog is an indication that there are things I'm not comfortable dealing with openly. And I want to deal with everything openly.

I'm also going to stop apologizing for all the "anxiety" posts. Because the two people who read this blog know I'm in med school and so you don't come here expecting me to do book reviews.

It sucks when you know you have 8 hours of work to do and it's already 11:11 in the morning. Because that means if you're a total robot you won't finish until after dinner. And that, if you're like me, you'll finish 6 hours of work by 10:00 and feel like a total failure. And then you'll have three gin & tonics and watch four hours of videos and be exhausted in class tomorrow.