We went to dinner with a third-year med student last night. He talked about his dating dramas. In the course of that conversation I told him that Drew and I had a hard time at first. So much so that some of my friends thought I should just give up on it.

Now Drew wants to know which friends.

It shouldn't bother him. Those friends love him now. They weren't even my closest friends at the time (I probably didn't want to poison my best friends against my relationship by revealing too much of my anxiety and frustration). Those people hadn't even met him yet, and once they did they saw how great we are together. But still, Drew wants names.

I shadowed my preceptor yesterday. Her speech is always rapidfire and usually isn't directed at me. Normally she's talking to the third-year students or the residents. But yesterday as she was ticking off a dozen facts during a physical exam she asked the patient to lift her thigh off the table and asked me what muscle she was testing. I had an answer, but I was unsure of myself. "I don't know."

"Iliopsoas."

I spent the next three hours of clinic beating myself up for my lack of confidence. In a cheesy television medical drama that was the moment where a student proves himself, cluing the audience into the fact that he's not your average newbie but a diamond in the rough. Pppttthhh. So while I harrassed myself internally for not venturing a guess I also started thinking about how stupid those tv shows are.

But mostly I was wondering what my preceptor would think of me. How was this going to shape her characterization of my abilities? Truthfully, it probably didn't mean much; she's constantly quizzing people and they're constantly failing the quizzes. She remembers you if you get it right, but I suspect a wrong answer doesn't really register.

Today I'm wondering how Drew and I -- who both have so much going for us and so much life experience to back up a firm sense of our own identies, our own abilities -- how we could both be so vulnerable to the perceptions of other people. I guess it's normal, but it does seem like a lot of wasted mental energy.

Energy which I can't really spare. I have to study for Exam #3. Doesn't it seem like they just keep coming, one right after another? Wasn't Exam #2 just a few days ago?!? We have this next exam on Tuesday, then another exam AND a final by December 19th.

So expect many exciting posts in the next 3 weeks.