So this week went pretty well, study-wise.

The exam is in eight hours and thirty minutes.

I don't really think I'm ready, but I told Katie I don't think it's possible to be ready. I did all I could. I just want this block to be over now.

Up next: reproduction, the endocrine system, and skin. That's one class. Isn't that a bizarre grouping of body systems?

Crap. I'm not sleepy.

 

I'm back in the library. It's Saturday. Drew is not exactly ecstatic about this.

Yesterday was semisuccessful.

Today I'm actually enjoying myself. I know I comlpain a lot, but there are actually days when I'm excited about med school and excited to learn this stuff.

 

I have a week until I have to face the final for Body Systems I (which covers cardiovascular, pulmonary, renal, gastric, intestinal, and hepatobiliary stuff).

It's 11:13. I need to do eight hours of the most efficient, hardcore studying I can manage. That seems totally doable when I'm as high on caffeine as I am right now.

It's 2:19. It's not going super well, I must say. I've only worked 50% of the time. But I had to eat and talk to some people. But I'm back and I'm still confident I can get through everything I need to get through today.

 

I just watched Obama's victory speech from last night. I generally try to avoid listening to him because I feel like I'm being hypnotized. Drew thinks I need to let myself go and embrace the excitement and positivity of the Obama campaign. I've argued against it for so long, fearing he's not electable and not experienced enough and feeling a loyalty to the Hillary Rodham who's been fighting the good fight for so long. Also, I feel pretty strongly that she's more capable than he is. But then I listen to him and he gets me all goosebumpy. Which is why I avoid him. Listening to last night's speech I felt a rush of shame at his line (which I've seen in print but never heard him say): "Cynicism is a sorry kind of wisdom."

That burns, Barack. I'm holding onto the idea that I'm not supporting Hillary out of any kind of cynicism (although a lot of my points in support of her are couched in negative terms). I'm also getting increasingly concerned that my Obama badmouthing is going to be difficult to take back when I'm trying to lobby, say, my grandparents to vote for Obama over McCain. I was telling Grandma last night that I don't think he's experienced enough. "Me neither," she said. Then I realized she voted for McCain in the Missouri primary. "Well, but I mean I still think he'd be better than McCain." She didn't know what to say to that. It's a pretty weak turnaround and I'm not surprised she didn't follow me.

I had a great moment with a friend yesterday. I told him about some things I've been going through recently and he replied (via google chat): "Idiot."

It was such a relief to have someone I trust say what other friends have been scared to say. That I am, in this situation, acting like an idiot. He softened it up a bit by calling me a moron. Hehe. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in self-analysis when really the situations are much simpler than I think. Or maybe I was just ready to hear someone say what I knew to be true.

 

I'm feeling more and more anxious about this election. I know a lot of you support Obama. I hope you're right about him. I obviously don't agree with you that he's the best person for the job. Now that it looks more likely that you're going to get your way (and that he'll be nominated against McCain) I'm starting to freak out that he won't be able to win in the general election.

I just overheard two med students in the computer lab discussing the race.

Awkward Guy: "It's gonna be either Hillary or Obama."

(I'm not sure if he's saying McCain won't win or he's just really behind in terms of who is left in the democratic primaries).

Pretty Girl: "Yep."

Awkward Guy: "Who are you for?"

Pretty Girl: (Pause). "If I had to vote today, I'd... probably vote for Obama."

Awkward Guy: "Me too."

(It's fairly clear to me that this would have been his response regardless of what she said.)

Awkward Guy again: "My fear, though, is that he's this smooth-talking guy and when he gets in there he's going to turn out to be like the liberal version of George Bush. Just a total fucking moron."

Pretty Girl: No response.

This morning Mike Huckabee gave his take on why Obama is (supposedly) pulling ahead of Hillary in the nomination fight: "The American people are not looking for someone who can fix a carburetor. They’re looking for someone who can drive the car.”

Cute. God I wish our nominee were going up against that crackpot.

 

I'm pulling my shit together this week. I'm guessing this is starting to sound repetitive. I know every time I face this page I think of how I can restore myself back to where I was a few weeks ago. And so I try to build myself up. I try to convince myself that today is a new day and I can study more, be happier, be stronger.

Today I held off writing this post until 5:30, wanting to have earned the right to say that I'm going to do better this week. I've gotten some good studying done. I have a couple more hours to go. I've avoided temptations that could distract me. I've kept a positive frame of mind. I'm convinced so much of this is based on habit, and that by forcing myself ot act the way I want to act I'll be able to find contentment.

I'd love to sit here and finesse this until it sounds really deep and meaningful and everyone can feel good about what a well-adjusted person I am. But I have to get back to studying for this quiz. And then I have to take the quiz and study for tomorrow's lecture.

I had tour-guide training today. It's a nice group. They broke us up into subgroups of four students and assigned us one day a week to lead a tour. I seriously love the other three students I'll be working with, so that was good. There's only one guy who's a tour guide who could be categorized as a bit of a... tool. He was assigned Wednesdays but said he couldn't give tours on that day because of soccer practice. The coordinator asked "Is soccer practice between twelve and two?" "No. It's at five. It just seems like a lot to do in a day." Oh boy.

 

We're back from Brooklyn. Got home last night around 9:00.

Helene's birthday dinner was interesting for me. it was populated by designers from her days at Parson's. We met one guy, spouse of a Parson's grad, who runs a website revolving around scopitones.

We enjoyed Brooklyn. It's the first time I've gone to New York and not spent the majority of my time in Manhattan. So that was a nice change -- exploring new parts of the city.

Saturday we met Molly and Larry's son, Foss, who is three months old. Babies make me nervous. If they're crying I don't want to hold them, figuring their parent is probably better at comforting them. Then when they're quiet I don't want to hold them for fear of making them cry again. We hung out at Molly and Larry's Brooklyn apartment for a few hours with a trip to the neighborhood park at the end. Luckily as we were leaving Foss was calm enough for me to give him a kiss without freaking him out. He is so adorable with those big Molly/Larry eyes. It's amazing to see something so big that was in your friend's uterus 12 weeks ago. She said he's grown six inches since he was born. Still, six inches shorter = too big to come out of my friend's, er, birth canal. But whatever. They've been going through some rough stuff since he was born. He has some complicated, as-yet-undefined health problems which are necessitating multiple doctor visits every week. I don't know how they do it. Molly and Larry are my first friends who have had more than one baby (their son Henry just turned three years old this week). They were as stressed as you'd expect. We got some quality time with both of them, which was good since this is the first time they've met Drew. He loved them, as I knew he would, and really bonded with their son Henry.

I'd post photos of Foss and Henry, but Drew and I learned the hard way (from his family) that parents aren't super thrilled to have photos of their kids available for anyone to gawk at on the internets. Which makes sense. Drew played with Henry so enthusiastically that Molly said she couldn't believe he was the least bit ambivalent about having kids. I didn't press him about that afterwards, but I know that seeing how much time and energy both boys took and how difficult it is dealing with a newborn only reinforced his own feelings about how hard it is to be a parent.

Shit! It's late!! I have to get to studying. I have about ten hours of work to do today. If I start right now and don't take any breaks I'll be done at 10:26 tonight. Hehe.

 

In class on Monday I was talking to this guy Colin about another classmate and he said, "Oh, that guy's always blogging in class. I hate blogs. Don't you?" Uhm. Of course I completely betrayed myself and nodded. Colin got kind of fired up about it: "Yeah, I mean, why do I want to read all the boring crap you do all day?"

It's a good question.

Drew is back. I missed school this morning to pick him up at the airport. Now I'm frantically trying to finish listening to the lectures online so I don't fall too far behind. We're heading to NYC tomorrow to see Molly and Larry and meet their new baby and to go to our friend Helene's 40th birthday party.

I'm exhausted right now. Physically. Emotionally. But I'm working through things. Trying to show some self-discipline in all areas. Failing to a certain degree in every one of those areas but at least I'm still trying.

They chose me to be a tour guide. My reaction when I got the email: "Oh. Crap." I like the idea of getting involved in school stuff, but once they start talking about mandatory meetings I just want to go back to being an antisocial hyper-studier.

I'm holding out hope that my 86 on the first exam isn't going to be a total disaster. According to Shara, the average score is going to be pretty low. It's a fairly unscientific way to assess the situation; she basically just talked to a handful of people who normally do well and claims they all did worse than me. I'm not sure when we'll find out what really happened. I'm still guessing I'm in the upper part of "pass". And "high pass" is going to be difficult to reach now, and "honors" is going to be impossible.

I sent an email to the coordinator of a healthcare for the homeless project in the city. I miss the shelter in Pasadena. I'm hoping I can find something worthwhile to do outside of school and outside of my own emotional issues. The less time I spend on this campus, the better. For several reasons. I've also been thinking about doing a mentor program again, because I also miss Nicholas. Maybe I should just send him a letter; that wouldn't require me giving up my hyper-studying lifestyle.

Shit. I have to listen to another lecture.

 

We're starting a new part of Block 3 today: the renal system. I'm hopeful I can do better here than I did on yesterday's exam.

They posted a key and I got 60/70, for a very average score of 86. I told my friend Beth last night that it was the worst performance I've given on an exam. I think that's true. I don't know. I had done three shots of something called SoCo lime when I said that it and it seemed right at the time. At the moment I'm too hung over to (a) go to class or (b) recall prior test scores. The whole class went out last night. They do that after every exam, but I'm almost always too emotionally drained from the test to go. Plus, I've usually ignored Drew for about a week prior to the exam so I prefer spending time with him rather than getting hammered with 23 year-olds. It was fun going out with people last night, although it's still definitely not my scene.

I have to class capture today's lectures. They put the audio and powerpoint slides online so if you miss class you can still hear the lecture. Of course it's not easy to do that without also reading your email at the same time, because the lectures can be pretty dry at times. And the internet is so fun. Which means watching four hours of lecture ends up taking five or six hours, so I generally try to avoid missing class. This morning I tried to avoid it, but I failed. I woke up at 3:30 still fully dressed with all the lights on. I got to sleep by 4:00 but didn't wake up until 7:15, the time I typically leave for the subway.

I'm feeling okay. Sad and lonely, but what's new. I'm going to fill my day with productive endeavors and try to avoid self-pity and self-destructive behavior.

Mom, I'm okay. I'm going to be fine.

It's Hillary I'm concerned about.

 

Yeah well, uh, I'm not so sure how that went.

I was under a bit of psychological stress (shocking, I know) this weekend. Drew went to L.A. on Sunday. His aunt and grandmother are visiting Los Angeles from South Africa. He wanted to see them, and also things between us have gotten kind of rocky. Things with me have been rocky lately as you all well know. It's not easy for me not to have him by my side, but honestly I think it's probably for the best. He's coming back on Thursday.

I don't think I failed the exam, but afterwards I told Drew "It looks like my streak is over." Now I'm stuck at school until 7pm because I have an interview to be a tour guide.

 

It's 5:23. I just woke up from a bizarro dream. I was in the audience for Oprah. This kid and his mom told me Oprah smells amazing. So I went up to take a whiff and they were very right. When I asked her what perfume she uses she said "Cash-on-Couch Bell Pepper."