Right now I feel like I need someone to raise the bar for me.

My parents were always so supportive and always wanted me and my sisters to exceed whatever they had accomplished. It's a very loving, blue collar way of thinking. Even when my dad was an ass he was always very proud of me. I can count on one hand the number of times my mom was openly disapproving of something I had done.

My friends whose parents were more... strict, let's say, had a different experience altogether and I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to grow up that way. Always trying to prove yourself. There are a lot of kids like that in my class; they have a drive I feel like I'm lacking sometimes.

I need to find a professional mentor who will set high standards for me. My mom's work ethic is definitely an inspiration. "You just need to do it" is her advice when I tell her I can't focus on my work.

The Boston Globe is running a series about Ted Kennedy. I think that's why I'm thinking this way. Those Kennedy parents, they weren't screwing around.

 

I know I'm only going to pass this block. No high pass or honors this time around. I know it. I. Know. It.

So why can't I stop torturing myself?

I only have one way to study, apparently. I have to write everything out -- make little flow charts and draw little pictures. I have to make flashcards and drill them over and over again. I'm not going to be able to cover all the material if I keep doing it like this. I have maybe eight hours left before I have to stop for the night.

Lots of people work hard. Not just med students, I mean. And a lot of people have work that could be neverending Yet somehow when they get home they can switch gears and live their life without all the stress and anxiety.

I'll be able to do that one day, I think. I hope. But now that I think about it -- me pointing out that other people are better at handling stress than I am is just another way I'm setting myself against other people's accomplishments, telling myself I'm falling short, and then freaking out about it. Right?

Everything I say or do is an expression of my anxiety. That's all I feel right now -- pure anxiety, all the time. I'm on a student health advocacy committee at school, and one of the psychiatrists on the committee is really big into making students stop drinking coffee. He says it makes us all super anxious.

I think maybe I enjoy the anxiety, though I like the rush of caffeine-panic I get around 10:30 every morning. I feel like it motors me through the day Maybe he's right, though.

backtoworkbacktoworkbacktoworkfuckfuckfuck.

 

I didn't brush my teeth or wash my face this morning. To save time.

 

I asked Drew tonight if he's scared about the future. His response was "No. I know you'll take care of me."

Well, let me tell you, I'm fucking scared. Today, when I thought about my anxiety I realized that I wasn't always this way. I didn't used to fear The Future this much. I had a lot of anxiety about work, always, but I don't recall being this worked up about what was going to happen to me two years from now. Although, let's be honest, none of us really remembers how we felt 36 months ago. You think you do, but you don't. I think maybe my fears are connected to the impermanence of our situation. The fact that we don't know where we'll be in two years. Are we going back to Los Angeles? That's still the plan, but let's see what happens in May when I take Step 1 of the boards.

I want to be more truthful in what I write here, but honestly most of my thoughts seem so (for lack of a better vocabulary) neurotic, that sometimes I can't face them. But I'm going to do my best this week to share how I'm really feeling. With no thought given to you or what you might think of me. Cause let me tell you, I've got a shitload of anxiety and it's gotta start going somewhere.

And beware, this is an exam week. We have our neuro final on Friday. I studied so fucking hard for that last test and I did worse than I've ever done on a medical school exam. Seriously. I got a 79. So there's no way I'm going to get a high pass in this block. The cut-off for a high-pass is generally around 90. My algebra skills aren't too good, but I'm guessing if the midterm was 50% and the final is 50%, then it's impossible for me to get to a 90 from here. So even though most people would probably say "Great. I don't have to worry about this exam" I'm flipping out about it.

I'll try to be less drunk on gin tonics next time I post.