Resting Assured
I asked Drew tonight if he's scared about the future. His response was "No. I know you'll take care of me."
Well, let me tell you, I'm fucking scared. Today, when I thought about my anxiety I realized that I wasn't always this way. I didn't used to fear The Future this much. I had a lot of anxiety about work, always, but I don't recall being this worked up about what was going to happen to me two years from now. Although, let's be honest, none of us really remembers how we felt 36 months ago. You think you do, but you don't. I think maybe my fears are connected to the impermanence of our situation. The fact that we don't know where we'll be in two years. Are we going back to Los Angeles? That's still the plan, but let's see what happens in May when I take Step 1 of the boards.
I want to be more truthful in what I write here, but honestly most of my thoughts seem so (for lack of a better vocabulary) neurotic, that sometimes I can't face them. But I'm going to do my best this week to share how I'm really feeling. With no thought given to you or what you might think of me. Cause let me tell you, I've got a shitload of anxiety and it's gotta start going somewhere.
And beware, this is an exam week. We have our neuro final on Friday. I studied so fucking hard for that last test and I did worse than I've ever done on a medical school exam. Seriously. I got a 79. So there's no way I'm going to get a high pass in this block. The cut-off for a high-pass is generally around 90. My algebra skills aren't too good, but I'm guessing if the midterm was 50% and the final is 50%, then it's impossible for me to get to a 90 from here. So even though most people would probably say "Great. I don't have to worry about this exam" I'm flipping out about it.
I'll try to be less drunk on gin tonics next time I post.
Well, let me tell you, I'm fucking scared. Today, when I thought about my anxiety I realized that I wasn't always this way. I didn't used to fear The Future this much. I had a lot of anxiety about work, always, but I don't recall being this worked up about what was going to happen to me two years from now. Although, let's be honest, none of us really remembers how we felt 36 months ago. You think you do, but you don't. I think maybe my fears are connected to the impermanence of our situation. The fact that we don't know where we'll be in two years. Are we going back to Los Angeles? That's still the plan, but let's see what happens in May when I take Step 1 of the boards.
I want to be more truthful in what I write here, but honestly most of my thoughts seem so (for lack of a better vocabulary) neurotic, that sometimes I can't face them. But I'm going to do my best this week to share how I'm really feeling. With no thought given to you or what you might think of me. Cause let me tell you, I've got a shitload of anxiety and it's gotta start going somewhere.
And beware, this is an exam week. We have our neuro final on Friday. I studied so fucking hard for that last test and I did worse than I've ever done on a medical school exam. Seriously. I got a 79. So there's no way I'm going to get a high pass in this block. The cut-off for a high-pass is generally around 90. My algebra skills aren't too good, but I'm guessing if the midterm was 50% and the final is 50%, then it's impossible for me to get to a 90 from here. So even though most people would probably say "Great. I don't have to worry about this exam" I'm flipping out about it.
I'll try to be less drunk on gin tonics next time I post.
Labels: Drew, Medical School
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