I know I'm only going to pass this block. No high pass or honors this time around. I know it. I. Know. It.

So why can't I stop torturing myself?

I only have one way to study, apparently. I have to write everything out -- make little flow charts and draw little pictures. I have to make flashcards and drill them over and over again. I'm not going to be able to cover all the material if I keep doing it like this. I have maybe eight hours left before I have to stop for the night.

Lots of people work hard. Not just med students, I mean. And a lot of people have work that could be neverending Yet somehow when they get home they can switch gears and live their life without all the stress and anxiety.

I'll be able to do that one day, I think. I hope. But now that I think about it -- me pointing out that other people are better at handling stress than I am is just another way I'm setting myself against other people's accomplishments, telling myself I'm falling short, and then freaking out about it. Right?

Everything I say or do is an expression of my anxiety. That's all I feel right now -- pure anxiety, all the time. I'm on a student health advocacy committee at school, and one of the psychiatrists on the committee is really big into making students stop drinking coffee. He says it makes us all super anxious.

I think maybe I enjoy the anxiety, though I like the rush of caffeine-panic I get around 10:30 every morning. I feel like it motors me through the day Maybe he's right, though.

backtoworkbacktoworkbacktoworkfuckfuckfuck.