I'm back at school. Last week was spring break; we spent the first few days in Philly and then went to L.A. to visit friends and family for 4-5 days. I got to meet Stella, which was awesome. I also met a baby at the wedding I totally wanted to kidnap. Dear Drew: I want a baby. Just FYI.

It was a good break blah blah blah. Now I'm back, trying to get into the studying mode again blah blah. Enough of that.

I've been trying to read one fiction book per block. Block Four was supposed to be Saul Bellow's Humboldt's Gift. I didn't finish it until the plane touched down last night around 8:45. So I definitely have to be more disciplined if I'm going to make it through Block 5's book. I chose a much easier one this time, though: The Citadel by A.J. Cronin. The Bellow book disturbed me. I started reading him a few years ago in an attempt to get to know the "Great American Novel" writers (DeLillo, Updike, Bellow) who were mentioned in an article about Jonathan Franzen. Because I continue to be obsessed with The Corrections. The first Bellow I read was The Adventures of Augie March, which I loved but I must admit hasn't hung around my brain all that much. I don't remember much about it. Then I tried Herzog which was a total disaster. I checked it out from USC's undergrad library. I think I was taking physics at the time, and all the philosophizing was too hard for me to follow. The same goes for huge parts of Humboldt's Gift. I can't follow what these characters are thinking, and get so frustrated that I start to blame Bellow for obscuring his ideas behind these circuitous monologues -- for purposefully making these passages unclear in an effort to make me hate reading. There is some rich emotional stuff in there, but my mind keeps wanting to leap from one plot point to another and just skip the "deep" stuff. And that makes me feel inadequate and makes me think my interest in "literature" is dilettantish and that I'm wasting my time.

Then I read Franzen's essay on reading and writing from How To Be Alone and felt refueled and wanted to keep at it. So I'm going to try to think about Bellow some more, but I'm also going to move on to something a bit easier in Block 5 (the Cronin book) and try to find the joy in reading a good book again. I'm all for being challenged, but Bellow might be too much for me right now.

I'm also going to stop editing these posts. Which means I'll probably make "your/you're" mistakes and misspell things and some sentences won't make sense. But it will also make it easier to write every day. Normally an entry takes me 30 minutes and I just can't spare that much time anymore.

We're studying the brain. Fascinating but frightening. It just seems like a big spongue of neurons to me right now. Okay, I'm going to review some images and then go home and try to do a long run. Because besides reading a book in Block 5, I'm also going to try to get back in shape.

 

This week during a psychiatry lecture we learned about the concept of context-dependent memory. Basically it just means that the context in which you learn something can best be remembered in that same context. Our lecturer said (jokingly, I think): "If you're really bored by this lecture then you should try to be really bored during the exam. Because studies show that will help you remember it."

When you're happy it's easy to remember all the things in your life that make you happy. When you're sad it can seem like your life is a series of miseries. That's part of the reason I write this blog. I want to make a record of my whole journey through school, because it's hard to remember how horribly difficult things like this are once they're over and it's equally hard to remember how much fun they can be.

This week was a good week. I worked harder and more efficiently than I have in a while. I went to Harrisburg and spoke up for something I believe in, I made some new friends on that trip, I did very well on my final (although I don't know the average yet, I felt that that test was damn hard and I still got a 90%), and I got elected to student government.

When I decided to go to Harrisburg I figured I was pretty much dropping out of the race for class rep. People who wanted to run had to write a 75-word statement and then give a 2-minute speech on Monday. But I chose to go to the capitol instead. I tried to have my name removed from the ballot but was told that I had a valid excuse for missing the speech and so they would still let me run. I replied to that offer saying I didn't think that was fair to my friends who were nervous about giving speeches. I thought it would lead to a lot of resentment. But then I thought "What if no one from our class even goes to LISTEN to those speeches? What if my friends back out at the last minute because they're too scared to get up in front of the class?" That was my justification for not sending that email and staying on the ballot, anyway. But deep down I'm just competitive and want to be more involved in school stuff.

I have to admit I was shocked that I was elected. That's not false modesty. I was seriously shocked. I remember running for student council in junior high with my friend Marti. At least I think it was junior high. When we lost, Marti's dad made some joking comment about us being smart kids but not popular kids. Which was 100% accurate. We were not popular. In high school Marti's mom, an English teacher, was the faculty sponsor for student council. This was fifteen years ago, so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind me saying this: I think Marti's Mom felt that 99% of the class reps were dumbasses. She wanted a different crowd to get involved, so somehow Marti and I got in that year. I can't remember exactly what strings were pulled. I think it was basically the way her Mom closed the nominating process: she told us to submit our names and then pretty much shut down the process. Something like that. Now that I'm looking back on it, I think that was probably more for my benefit than Marti's. Marti was pretty popular at that point. I, however, was not.

It's laughable that I'm thinking about that race in comparison to this one. I guess it's a big deal for me just because I feel like I beat out ten other people (15 ran, 5 won) by being myself. I didn't act like a nicer person than I am. I was open about my sexuality, even to the religious cliques and the homophobic few. And somehow people still voted for me. It's a pretty nice feeling, I must say.

 

I'm back in the library today. I was here 11 hours yesterday. I'm trying to match that today.

When I help lead tours of the medical school, I tell applicants (per the script) that our school fosters a non-competitive atmosphere. I assure them that there are no "gunners" here -- the kind of premed student they've all dealt with, or have seen every day when they look in the mirror. A gunner wants the top grade and wants to make sure you know he/she is most likely going to get it. And once they've gotten it they're sure to let you know. They're openly ambitious, outlining their future goals for you (repeatedly, even when you show no interest). Those goals usually include things like being the youngest chief of surgery in the history of the country. Because, you know, everyone wants a super young, inexperienced surgeon to head up their hospital's surgery department. But a gunner doesn't think he's capable of making mistakes. Once he gets that white coat he'll magically know what to do in any situation. At heart the gunner is motivated by a desire for recognition, rather than by any real interest in medicine or science. We do have a few of them in my class. Not many. So it's probably not so terribly misleading when I tell the applicants how open and supportive the atmosphere is at our school. For the most part that's true.

I myself have some gunner tendencies. Extreme competitiveness (which I try to suppress) and a desire to be recognized as one of the top students in the class. I don't want to be such a striver. Or, rather, I don't want to be someone who has to put so much effort into getting those grades. I guess that's not really the same thing. I want to achieve, but I want to achieve effortlessly.

Tomorrow our state legislature is going to vote on a bill that includes an amendment that could possibly curb handgun violence in the state. As a member of Physicians for Social Responsibility, I was asked to ride to the capitol in my white coat in a show of support for the amendment. (We're supposed to stand in the background during a press conference and look doctor-ish). Then we're supposed to go around to the legislators' offices to ask for their vote.

I also have a final on Friday that's worth more than half my grade for this block.

What should I do?

If I don't go, I'll have to admit to myself that my commitment to PSR is pretty shallow and that I am, at heart, basically just a gunner who likes to foster the appearance of being politically-engaged. On the other hand, I don't know how effective we'll really be in Harrisburg. What if the whole trip turns out to be a bust and then I've lost ten hours of good study time?

I'm hoping to make so much headway today that I can get by with doing flashcards on the bus tomorrow and not lose too much ground. I have to go on this trip, I guess. There's no justifying sitting in the library all day.

 

I had a vision for my Block 4 life that has not come to pass. I wanted to exercise regularly; this week all I've managed is 30 minutes at the gym and a 30-minute jog. I meant to do six hours of solid studying every single day; I've managed to do five hours per day since Tuesday, and Monday I only did 2-1/2. I was going to read every day for pleasure; I think I've cracked a non-school book only twice all week. I wanted to get honors in this block; unfortunately, I only scored four points above the average on the midterm. I got a 90%. We've had three quizzes. My scores were 90%, 90%, and 90%. Consistency is no consolation, though.

I'm in the library. I came to the computer lab to amuse myself, but the internet can be so depressing when you're trying to procrastinate. It's just not as mindlessly entertaining as bad television. With TV you can just let the programming do the work for you. With the internet it's constant clicking and searching and reading. And I always find myself reading about minor celebrities and minor political figures. Which gets awfully depressing.

Oooh, I see a chance for a segue! I saw a major political figure this week!! Check it out:



A girl in my class (who's also a passionate Hillary supporter) asked if I wanted to go see Clinton speak at our school's undergraduate campus. We got a few other people together and ran into a couple more at the rally. It was so great to see her in the flesh. We were in a basketball stadium that probably held a couple thousand people. Because we were opposite the wall of press people (cameras, lights, etc.) and Hillary was on a small stage midcourt, her back was to us most of the time. When she mentioned her plans to make college more affordable, though, she spoke directly to us. Every time she turned around the boys in front of me would wave, which was cute. Did they expect her to wave back? She covered all her major points (Iraq, healthcare, the economy) and held off on attacking Barack. Probably because she was in front of a young, mostly black audience. Or maybe (hopefully) she's realizing that some of those attacks are bad news.

We had another inspiring woman speak at school this week. Dr. Rebekah Gee. She is an ob/gyn doc with an incredible background in political activism. As a resident she started getting involved in state-level politics, helping to craft legislation affecting women's health (speicifically, ensuring that women who had been raped could receive adequate treatment in Boston's Catholic hospitals). Who has time to write legislation during residency?!? A couple years ago she and a two of her colleagues forced Wal-Mart to start carrying Plan B (the morning after pill). They went to a Wal-Mart pharmacy in Massachusetts and tried to get a prescription filled. When Wal-Mart refused (the chain had a national policy against the drug based in religious reasoning), they sued under a state law that requires pharmacists to provide medications that are needed by the community. She was amazing. She talked a lot about how it's our obligation as advocates for our patients to get involved in public policy. She's writing health policy for the Obama campaign, but that's okay. I forgive her.

I just googled her and realized she graduated Columbia two years before me. Uhm... wow. Okay, then. Now I really respect her!

 

Drew started working this week! He accepted an offer to do some freelancing for a former boss who's relocating to NY from LA. He reconnected with her over email and told her that we were in Philadelphia. This past weekend she asked if he'd consider doing some stuff for her.

I'm really happy, because I think it'll be so good for him to meet some new people. I was pretty jealous on Tuesday because he got to take the train to Manhattan for a meeting. It was a gorgeous day, too. Ugh. I wish I were taking daytrips to New York. It's only an hour-and-a-half by Amtrak. Anyway... I don't think he'll be doing that very often. We think he'll be working from home mostly.

When Drew works, he works around the clock. A switch has definitely been flipped already; it's 12:47am and he's still working. For eight months he was pretty much doing as he pleased and really didn't seem to mind that he was unemployed. Now he's in his office panicking, trying to meet some deadline. He's flying to Vancouver Sunday for a presentation. He's very fancy all of a sudden.

I tried to get him to come to bed and he kind of snapped at me. Which I totally deserved. I didn't leave the library until 10:20 tonight and he didn't say a word to me about that. I guess it's my turn to try to be understanding.

I should really be sound asleep right now. My exam is in 7-1/2 hours. I studied so long today (13 hours) it would really suck if I performed poorly just because I was too tired to focus.

I can't wait for a free weekend. Too bad Drew'll be graphic designing the whole time.

 

I wanted to do a video blog. I took my camcorder to school on the day of my exam. I got a few little clips. I thought it would be fun. But I can't seem to find the time to download the stupid things. So I've been avoiding the blog.

I'd rather write boring entries than wait another week for a videoblog. Anyway, I have another exam this coming Friday, so that old exam anxiety will be supplanted by newer, more anxious anxiety.

It was kind of interesting, though, when I whipped out the camera in class just before the test. There were lots of groans (as expected). Especially from those who had clearly been up all night studying and hadn't showered or brushed their hair. The surprising part was how everyone put on this strange front. My friend Betsy, when asked on camera how she was feeling, said "Great!" And other people did the same. Even though seconds earlier they'd been wringing their hands and openly panicking. I guess the self-consciousness of being on camera snapped them out of it.

I was at school from 10-7 today. I talked to no one. I think I said hi to two people. Otherwise it was a ghost town there and pretty lonely. But Drew and I met at a bar restaurant for dinner and I had a long phone conversation with my grandma. Now I really don't want to go to bed, because I feel like I was cheated out of a weekend. Only five more days, though. I can do it.