I'm back in the library today. I was here 11 hours yesterday. I'm trying to match that today.

When I help lead tours of the medical school, I tell applicants (per the script) that our school fosters a non-competitive atmosphere. I assure them that there are no "gunners" here -- the kind of premed student they've all dealt with, or have seen every day when they look in the mirror. A gunner wants the top grade and wants to make sure you know he/she is most likely going to get it. And once they've gotten it they're sure to let you know. They're openly ambitious, outlining their future goals for you (repeatedly, even when you show no interest). Those goals usually include things like being the youngest chief of surgery in the history of the country. Because, you know, everyone wants a super young, inexperienced surgeon to head up their hospital's surgery department. But a gunner doesn't think he's capable of making mistakes. Once he gets that white coat he'll magically know what to do in any situation. At heart the gunner is motivated by a desire for recognition, rather than by any real interest in medicine or science. We do have a few of them in my class. Not many. So it's probably not so terribly misleading when I tell the applicants how open and supportive the atmosphere is at our school. For the most part that's true.

I myself have some gunner tendencies. Extreme competitiveness (which I try to suppress) and a desire to be recognized as one of the top students in the class. I don't want to be such a striver. Or, rather, I don't want to be someone who has to put so much effort into getting those grades. I guess that's not really the same thing. I want to achieve, but I want to achieve effortlessly.

Tomorrow our state legislature is going to vote on a bill that includes an amendment that could possibly curb handgun violence in the state. As a member of Physicians for Social Responsibility, I was asked to ride to the capitol in my white coat in a show of support for the amendment. (We're supposed to stand in the background during a press conference and look doctor-ish). Then we're supposed to go around to the legislators' offices to ask for their vote.

I also have a final on Friday that's worth more than half my grade for this block.

What should I do?

If I don't go, I'll have to admit to myself that my commitment to PSR is pretty shallow and that I am, at heart, basically just a gunner who likes to foster the appearance of being politically-engaged. On the other hand, I don't know how effective we'll really be in Harrisburg. What if the whole trip turns out to be a bust and then I've lost ten hours of good study time?

I'm hoping to make so much headway today that I can get by with doing flashcards on the bus tomorrow and not lose too much ground. I have to go on this trip, I guess. There's no justifying sitting in the library all day.