This morning I had to stop at an ATM to get subway-token funds. I've been mindful of taking cash out of my checking account because I don't want to run out of student loan "money" before January.

But I haven't been so good at checking my balance online, so I was thrown into a vortex of anxiety when my request for $20 was rejected with the it-ain't-my-problem message "Contact your bank."

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Contact my what?!?! WHY????

This is how I imagined that going:

Me: "I tried to get some money and was told to call you."

Bank: "You don't have any money."

[Awkward pause]

Me: "Okay, thanks." CLICK.

How could this have happened? I considered going home and crawling back into bed, but I had a mandatory class meeting this afternoon so I used a credit card to pull out $40. Which is, you know, one of those highly-recommended financial moves.

As I walked to the subway I started to get emotional. How was I going to support myself? How was I going to concentrate on my classes?

I couldn't tell Drew, because he's in the midst of applying for a job and I didn't want my money issues to figure into any decision about whether or not he should take it if it's offered.

I decided that I needed to return the running stuff my mom bought me this weekend so I could at least make my November credit card payment. Then maybe I'd get enough birthday scratch to make it until December, when telling Drew might not be such an issue.

As I got off the subway at school I felt like crying. I forced myself to get on my phone and check my bank balance.

I had more than enough money in my account. There must have been something wrong with that ATM.

 

I'm so frustrated with myself right now. I've been studying all day, and it's only 4:30 and I just can't get myself to keep going. Who do I think I am that I can get through med school with these study habits? I'm forcing myself to whine on this blog so I'll face the fact that I'm about to completely screw myself by not reviewing all of last week's material and preparing for tomorrow. There'll be no catching up if I don't take advantage of these next 4-5 hours. I won't get another free evening like this for a while.

Grow up. Every day doesn't have to be fun.

 

So we had a good time at the white coat ceremony. I loved the speaker (Dr. Lipkin). He gave a speech I think we all needed to hear -- a personal account of his own career that gave us an idea of what we could (and should) expect from our interactions with patients. I got a little agitated with some of my classmates who were groaning that the speech was too long. They were there to be lauded. I shouldn't get so annoyed with people who talk during speeches, lectures, etc.. I controlled my impulse to shush people. Part of the fault is Lipkin's, for sure, because it was a long speech and maybe he should have been more succinct. On the other hand, maybe my classmates should grow up and be able to handle listening to a 40-minute speech.

Mom and I ran 9 miles in the rain this morning. We're off to buy running shoes now -- an early birthday present. She and Drew are hovering over me, so I guess I should go.

Here are some photos from yesterday.

Addendum: I HAVE GOT TO STUDY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????? I can't get myself to do anything. I keep saying I'll do it all tomorrow, but that's a lot of work to get done in one day. I read an article yesterday about how disciplined Hillary Clinton is about doing her work, and it made me feel like crap about myself. But then it's easy to say "But look at how miserable her personal life is" and go on watching movies and drinking wine with Drew. (And I realize, Jana, that their marriage might be full of love and fun and intimacy, but that doesn't help me feel better about slacking on the studying).

 

I got 92/101 on Monday's test. And, to be completely honest, I'm not that thrilled with that number.

I'm solidly in the "high pass" category, but I really want to be in "honors." I'm getting a bit frustrated.

Today we had a college meeting (our class is divided up into 5 colleges with 30 students in each) and our advisor told us that "it's not necessary to have honors in every class. High pass is just fine."

UGH.

I know that's supposed to be encouraging, but the very clear message implicit in what he said is that high pass is MOR, average, unspectacular. Which isn't exactly how I'd like my transcript to be characterized by residency programs.

It's all fine if I decide to go into family medicine -- as long as I do well on the boards. But if I want to be a surgeon I have to do a lot better.

Actually, I just have to do a few points better. But it's starting to feel like the difference between a 92% and a 95% is 2-3 more hours of studying every day. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going to find those hours.

Right now Drew is cleaning the entire apartment AND making dinner so that I can prepare for tomorrow's lecture. He hasn't complained once, and he's been at it for 3+ hours. Mom and Larry are flying in tomorrow for Friday's white coat ceremony.

I have to get back to studying now.

 

11:00am: I’m staying at home today. Drew wouldn’t be too pleased if I went to school seven days a week. Plus, there was no one there yesterday. I don’t know if that means that everyone’s really confident about this exam and so they’re not studying, or if they’re all just studying at home. I’m not so good at home study. I’ll try to be good today.

Here’s a photo:



Better lighting, right? I need a haircut, though.

1:33pm: Okay, well… that went all right. I finished the deep review (during which I went over everything in detail and made flashcards). I’ve been reviewing my cards all along, but now I’m going to use the cards exclusively.

Drew just made a very delicious pea soup using frozen peas, garlic, onion, a little bit of leftover lentil curry soup, some curry powder, water, a frozen cilantro cube and salt and pepper. If I’d been told to make pea soup with whatever I could find in our pantry I would have used the frozen peas and some water and maybe thought to use salt and pepper.

Post-lunch photo:



I have 153 flashcards to work through. Hoo. Ray.

10:09pm: I’m done.

 

I wanted to catalogue my day of study for Monday's exam, but I forgot to bring my power cable so my computer's not going to hold out for more than a couple hours at the most.

But here I am, in my little study room in the 24-hour study area on the med school campus;



Isn't the lighting classic? Such an uplifting atmosphere. Okay I have to get to work now. I just got here. It's 11:00.

1:04: This is some really, really boring stuff. Because it's kind of review (meaning I've had this stuff in other classes, but can't remember the details). So I don't really feel like I'm learning anything new, I'm just trying to memorize the different enzymes that allow different processes to take place in the cell. Ugh. I enjoy the cancer genetics stuff, because that's mostly new to me. But the stuff I spent the past two hours doing... blech.

I brought a mountain of pocket change so I could eat out of the vending machine. But I've told myself I have to wait until I've done at least 4 hours of work. I don't know if I'll be able to stick to that.

Along with forgetting to bring my power cord, I forgot to bring blank notecards. So I only have about a dozen cards. How am I supposed to memorize enzymes without flashcards? This is a disaster.

7:00: I studied for five hours. I got a 93 on a practice test. I came home.

 

My first big exam in block 2 (Elements of Bioscience) is Monday. So I'm back to twelve hours days and no sleep.

Look forward to some fascinating blog entries.

 

I feel like I never have time to (a) do my laundry, (b) go grocery shopping, (c) write this blog, or (d) exercise.

Obviously I need to be doing all of those things. I guess (a), (b) and (d) are really more important than this one, but blogging requires the least amount of effort.

I was one point away from getting honors in anatomy. I ended up with "high pass" (failing is 0-69%, pass is 70-86%, high pass is 87-90%, honors is 91-100%). Last night I dreamed that my anatomy instructor tracked me down on the street to tell me that my lab practical was graded incorrectly and that I actually got a 91% instead of a 90%. I woke up feeling so happy, and then I realized that it was Sunday, that I had about ten hours of schoolwork to do, and that my lab practical was correctly graded (as far as I know, anyway).

I can be somewhat ridiculous when it comes to grades. I realize this.

I managed to do my laundry today. And I studied for eight hours. And I went to the corner market to buy junk food and cereal. And more junk food.

Then there's personal family drama which I won't go into since 60% of the ten people who read this blog are deeply involved and already know what's happening. I'll fill the other four of you in later.

Drew's giving me a really awesome back massage right now. Here's a photo:



Good night.

 

It's an old story, but I've been thinking about it a lot this week (for obvious reasons).

From The Nation, August 8, 2005:

"On July 19[, 2005] in the northeastern city of Mashhad, Iran, two teenagers, Ayaz Marhoni and Mahmoud Asgari, were put to death for a crime involving homosexual intercourse. Asgari, at least, was underage at the time of the offense. Before the execution Marhoni and Asgari were detained for approximately fourteen months and received 228 lashes each for drinking, disturbing the peace and theft. Despite appeals from the defendants' lawyers and protests by Iranian human rights activists such as Nobel laureate Shirin Ebadi, the Iranian Supreme Court upheld the verdict and sentence, which was carried out by public hanging."

The story of the actual executions was apparently broken by the Iranian Students' News Agency, which claimed that the "crime" committed was consensual gay sex between the boys and another minor. The official government line is that the boys were killed for "disrupting public order among other things." It was this execution which prompted a question about gays in Iran during a Q&A with President Ahmadinejad at Columbia University last week.

 

I did well on my final, but I don't think I was at the very top of my class. Which is where I think I should be.

Objectively I know that class ranking is not so important in medical school. But my feelings are pointing me in another direction. We'll see how it all shakes out. I'm still not exactly sure what the curve looks like.

 

My final ended at three in the afternoon yesterday and my next class started at eight this morning. I was so tired from studying that I ended up napping (with Drew) for a couple hours and then was too tired to go to the big keg party. I'm not much of a keg person, though, so I guess it's no big loss. It would be nice to socialize outside of class and a lot of people want to spend more time with Drew. But we just couldn't do it.

I realize I don't have a break between these two classes (anatomy, which just ended, and "Elements of Bioscience," which started today) but I feel so strongly that I deserve a break. And so I'm taking a de facto weekend by doing a minimal amount of studying. I did three hours of reading today, but I'm already probably three hours behind because I did nothing yesterday. But honestly, how can I be expected to go straight into the next class without at least one night off?

Clearly I'm feeling guilty about the fact I only did three hours of reading today. Which makes for a very interesting blog entry, I realize.

Drew and I are heading to NY this weekend to see a show and spend the night with his college friend. So that should make up for the relative lack of fun in my life.

I'm actually excited about this new class. It's a lot of cell-level biology and (it seems) a fair amount of genetics. I really enjoyed my molecular biology class at USC, so I'm hoping I feel the same way about this one. It would help solidify my interest in oncology. I should really find a pediatric oncologist to shadow so I can figure out if that is really something I'd want to do.

I'm reading a book. I may have mentioned that already, but I'm too tired to read old entries and check. I know for sure that I've complained about not having time to read for pleasure. I decided to just make the time, so now I'm trying to read at least a few pages a night of Black Swan Green by David Mitchell.

That's all I've got. I'm going to read now. And sleep at least seven hours.