i've been feeling a little down about my entries lately. it's just not as fun as it once was.

i blame the design of the blog. i need something original. so i'm putting it out there ------- come to me, new blog design.

 

i wonder... is it too soon to start borrowing against my future earnings? by 2013 i will surely be making a nice fat salary; barring, of course, crazy socialist hillary rodham's commie healthcare plan doesn't reform the current system that pays doctors through the roof while denying health insurance to poor waitresses like my sister. but come on... that'll never happen. by 2013, rich m.d.'s will be enjoying the low tax cuts enacted by president cheney. so why not just let me have some of that now?

i'm poor this week. i got switched over to season four payroll, and the mean, mousy accountant girl who handles paychecks is in over her head. my buddy in accounting, lynne, told me that mousy girl has way too much to do but is too scared to ask for help. so, instead, she just pays you whenever she can, which is usually about ten days after the end of the pay period. this would be fine if i weren't used to getting paid five days after the end of the pay period. eh, no it wouldn't be fine. i'd still be pissed.

NOTE TO MOUSY GIRL: I NEED MONEY IN ORDER TO EAT.

to subtract further from my checkbook balance, the producers have decided that they were "unrealistic" in the way they scheduled season four, so everyone is getting pushed a week. we found out yesterday (and it will be confirmed today) that we will all be getting a week of unpaid vacation starting monday. isn't that sweet?

my excitement over getting into u.s.c. was almost dampened by this news, until i managed to talk myself down and call d___. he immediately saw an opportunity to get out of town for a few days. in the three months we've been together we've never been farther than the san fernando valley together. i'd love to do that, even if i have to charge everything to mastercard to make it happen. i'm very responsible with money in general, so i think i'm allowed to splurge a couple times a year.

on a serious note, people really do turn republican when they start making money. this actually happens. please, someone explain how this is possible. ugh - forget that. explain how any human being in this country could actually want these fucking irresponsible people running things? it just doesn't make sense.

 

i went to the interview this morning. i met with a student in the program and with the professor who runs it. as i feared, i did have to answer the "why do you want to be a doctor" question and was forced into giving the cringe-worthy "to make a difference" response. i tried to be as honest as i could and managed to get through it with minimal stammering and sweating.

the interview quickly turned to logistical matters (deadlines, cost, other practical stuff) and about thirty-five minutes into it the coordinator left the room and returned with a booklet and said, "if you're still interested, we'd like to offer you a spot in the program."

i'm still in shock. i wasn't expecting that. i thought i'd have at least a couple more weeks of hand-wringing and self-flagellation ("oh my god, why did i have to say that?!?!"). everyone's so happy for me, which is very nice. i sent out an obnoxious 'look at me!' mass email and spent the rest of today responding to the responses; most of them were from people i hadn't told yet, saying things like "WHAT THE FUCK?????".

in my analysis on tuesday i told my doctor that i was nervous about the interview. she asked why and i said "because i'm afraid they're going to ask me things like 'what did you learn in that neuroscience course freshman year?'" she scoffed at that and said that i seem to have a pattern of being afraid of running into unrealistic expectations that will be the cause of my downfall. that calmed me down. naomi (my former boss) said the exact same thing to me once: "who in your life made you feel like you had to be perfect? no one is perfect. you put too much pressure on yourself." naomi was very difficult and put unrealistic expectations on me all the time, but the fact that she and my analyst have come to this same critique gives me pause. i bring this up now (on what should be a totally happy day) because i know there are things i still have to work out. getting into school, becoming a doctor... this isn't going to solve all my problems. my problems are relatively minimal and totally manageable, but i have to keep fighting that part of me that feels unworthy and incapable. and try to enjoy how very lucky and very hopeful i feel today.

p.s. my sister's goiter is going to be okay. her test results looked good and so they postponed the biopsy. her medication is making her put on some weight (poor thing!) but at least it looks like things are under control now.

 

my sister has an egg-size lump on her neck. at first we were both fascinated. then i told her to talk to our mom about it. she refused, saying it was no big deal. a few months later she took a trip back to missouri and when our mom (who's an r.n.) saw it she flipped out.

amanda went to a free clinic here in l.a. when she got back. diagnosis: goiter. they gave her some medication and said she needed to see an internist asap.

she went to county on saturday at 5:30am and got in to see an endocrinologist at 2:00pm. that's 8-1/2 hours. nice. then she said the doctor freaked her out. he had her hold her arms out while he checked for tremors, which he found. he asked her if she'd had any chest pains recently, which she apparently has. he called an ear nose & throat doc and she overheard him say "yeah, it's pretty big" and remark that they should do something about it as soon as possible. she has a biopsy scheduled for october 22nd. they ran some blood work and i'm taking her back to county today.

amanda has no insurance. neither do i. we had such good healthcare when we were growing up. we loved our family doctor. now we're stuck out here without a g.p., throwing ourselves on the mercy of the system. how did this happen?

everyone assures me that county has some great doctors; amanda liked hers. but she also said the hospital is a pit full of crazies.

this situation is stressing me out and i'm being really mean to everyone at work today out of frustration & anxiety. that's not nice of me.

i got some cheering up from drudge... dick cheney fucked up during the v.p. debate last night when he referred everyone to a website that would explain how this whole halliburton story is b.s.; he should have said .org instead of .com. check it out: http://www.factcheck.com.

 

... had sex with my boyfriend
... paid my october rent
... listened to lambchop
... wrote a progress report
... read tons of post-debate coverage on the web
... mailed in the rest of my u.s.c. application
... bought a litter box, cat food, and a kitty toy on my lunch break
... ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my desk
... revised the progress report
... made a dinner reservation at lucy's adobe
... ate two krispy kreme donuts
... brainstormed about my halloween costume
... IM'd with j___
... listened to the post coorinator bitch about the post producer
... grabbed a pen out of my friend lisa's hand
... was scolded by lisa
... tracked down some photos of a plus-size model
... badgered some editors about when their episodes will be locked
... wrote a really boring post