i went to the interview this morning. i met with a student in the program and with the professor who runs it. as i feared, i did have to answer the "why do you want to be a doctor" question and was forced into giving the cringe-worthy "to make a difference" response. i tried to be as honest as i could and managed to get through it with minimal stammering and sweating.

the interview quickly turned to logistical matters (deadlines, cost, other practical stuff) and about thirty-five minutes into it the coordinator left the room and returned with a booklet and said, "if you're still interested, we'd like to offer you a spot in the program."

i'm still in shock. i wasn't expecting that. i thought i'd have at least a couple more weeks of hand-wringing and self-flagellation ("oh my god, why did i have to say that?!?!"). everyone's so happy for me, which is very nice. i sent out an obnoxious 'look at me!' mass email and spent the rest of today responding to the responses; most of them were from people i hadn't told yet, saying things like "WHAT THE FUCK?????".

in my analysis on tuesday i told my doctor that i was nervous about the interview. she asked why and i said "because i'm afraid they're going to ask me things like 'what did you learn in that neuroscience course freshman year?'" she scoffed at that and said that i seem to have a pattern of being afraid of running into unrealistic expectations that will be the cause of my downfall. that calmed me down. naomi (my former boss) said the exact same thing to me once: "who in your life made you feel like you had to be perfect? no one is perfect. you put too much pressure on yourself." naomi was very difficult and put unrealistic expectations on me all the time, but the fact that she and my analyst have come to this same critique gives me pause. i bring this up now (on what should be a totally happy day) because i know there are things i still have to work out. getting into school, becoming a doctor... this isn't going to solve all my problems. my problems are relatively minimal and totally manageable, but i have to keep fighting that part of me that feels unworthy and incapable. and try to enjoy how very lucky and very hopeful i feel today.

p.s. my sister's goiter is going to be okay. her test results looked good and so they postponed the biopsy. her medication is making her put on some weight (poor thing!) but at least it looks like things are under control now.