someone who reads this blog told me recently that the entries only seem "half true." that may not be a perfect quote, but as i've (re)stated it, it's a criticism i agree with. it's part of the reason my blogging has slowed. i've been reading too many good blog entries (like this one and this one, continued here and here), and they've made me realize what has been missing in my own writing: total honesty.

it's not that i'm hiding anything. it's just very difficult to write that way. it's difficult not to let yourself become a character in an entry, a dancing monkey trying desperately to entertain your imagined readers. then beneath that socially-acceptable veneer is a thick layer of insecurity and whining; who wants to write about that stuff every day? not me. but of course the real stuff is deeper than that. further down. it's hard to know what you really think most of the time. most people, myself included, spend the majority of their days avoiding deep thinking. especially when we can't come up with simple tie-string resolutions. so many of the things that worry, confuse and excite me are totally imponderable.

for instance, every day i run a dialogue through my head of what my usc interview will be like. i anticipate their questions and make mental notes to myself to manufacture acceptable responses. ["what did you learn in that neuroscience class?" mental note: review neuroscience course notes.] but i usually avoid what i find the most intimidating: the simple, straightforward question of why i want to do this.

i'm scared to answer that question honestly. from the outside looking in it seems so easy. even now, i'm wondering, "is that really true? it's so simple. you know why you want to be a doctor." but there's something beneath that question that bothers me. that question is really asking me to cast myself into a future and simultaneously justify my suitability for that role. it's asking me to look into tomorrow and have enough confidence to believe in myself, enough willpower to shut out the self-doubt, and say "i want this, and this is why i should have it."

the slow drive up to that moment is being powered by three things: my analysis, my boyfriend, and this blog. in all three i am attempting to strip away pretense, ignore insecurities, and embrace total honesty. it's what i pay my analyst to help me do for myself, it's what my boyfriend has assured me i can safely do with him, and it's what i'd give anything to be able to communicate here.