All I thought about was sex. Eleven years later, it's difficult to describe how completely consumed I was by my libido at that age. I'm embarrassed to think about all the things I did and said in pursuit of sex in high school. One of my most shameful memories is of the way I treated my friend Anna.

Anna and I had been fairly good friends in junior high. We sat next to each other in band class (we played the trombone). She was overweight and I was shy and effeminate. We were... not popular. In the transition to high school, Anna lost about fifteen pounds and her natural beauty caught the eye of a kid who was quickly becoming infamous at our school. Anna quickly shed her good-girl gawkiness and, by becoming Warren's girlfriend, took on a new position as First Lady of the Freaks.

Warren was the school's iconoclast. He and his friends liked to test the proverbial waters, and their various stunts nearly drove our assistant principal to distraction. On one occasion the administration had to remind the student body that it was "not permissible to wear clothing to school which was meant for the opposite gender." That dictate was incredible in the way it avoided using the phrase "cross-dressing," which I'm sure Assistant Principal Whittier would have considered a victory for Warren and his buddies.

Anna and I drifted apart during the first couple years of high school. I concentrated on my schoolwork while she experimented with drugs and sex. In the eleventh grade, I started offering her a ride home after school. I knew she was very open about sex and I was curious about her relationship with Warren. My own virginity (and countless Saturday nights spent watching The Golden Girls with my grandparents) was starting to overwhelm me. I'm sure I was anything but subtle about my motives. Any conversation she started with me I would quickly drive straight into the gutter. One day, as she was getting out of my car she looked at me meaningfully and said, "Boys only care about getting laid. Every boy I know." I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I had treated her like that. I think that at the time I honestly thought I wanted to have sex with her.

Now, of course, I realize that it wasn't her I was after.

(To be continued)

 

"Who's this kid?"

That's the first thing he said the day we met. I was sitting with my friends Anna and Heather in our high school's auditorium. Some rally or lecture was getting ready to start. I had been joking around with the girls, but quickly shut up when he collapsed into his seat and threw me a caustic look.

Who was I? Nobody.

He his name was Warren. I had been watching him for months; I'm pretty sure this was the first time he'd ever noticed me. Warren was unlike anyone I had ever met. He dyed his hair with Kool-Aid and did drugs and when his dad kicked him out of his house he spent several weeks living in the treehouse in Heather's back yard. He mouthed off to teachers. He played guitar and wrote songs. His humor was dark and cutting. My best friend's brother had warned me that Warren was gay; he'd been dating Anna for a while, so I doubted that was true.

Over the next year, Warren and I would become good friends. He taught me how to use a Coke can to smoke marijuana. I gave him rides from Anna's house back to his dad's place. He gave me my first blowjob...

(To be continued)

 

But this is hot.
(Clearly Hayden is queer, though. I mean, c'mon....)

 

I went snorkeling for the first time. I swam with sea turtles. We went to the top of a volcano.

We drove around the south end of the island on a winding dirt road that skirted the ocean; Drew, referring to the zigzagging road, asked "Isn't this the craziest thing you've ever seen?" Just then, a group of fifteen to twenty horses came galloping up the road towards us. I said "That's the craziest thing I've ever seen."

I apologize for how boring my entries were during finals. I'll try to do better. Conspiring to defeat me in this goal: physics started today.

 

It's over. I took my bio final this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night. I went to bed early (around 9:30) but then woke up when Drew came to bed around 10:30. I was so nervous about the test that I couldn't get back to sleep. He kept falling asleep which would piss me off; so I'd thrash around in the bed to wake him up. I'm such a rat bastard. I was pretty tired during the test, but Drew made me breakfast and coffee this morning and I motored through.

When I got home after the test Drew met me at the door with a pina colada and told me that he's flying us to Maui in the morning!!!! Our flight leaves at 8:45 and we'll be in Maui by noon. He has a couple frequent flyer tickets and we're staying with one of his friends.

I still can't believe we're going. And to make a great day even better... I just got an email from my biology T.A. saying that out of the 50+ tests she graded, the score I got on today's final was the highest and she thinks it might be the highest grade in the class.

Okay. I have to go change the laundry now. We still haven't packed!!

 

I'm so sick of studying biology. There's just too much to remember (the kidneys, the heart, the lungs, the immune system, mitosis, meiosis, the hormones, cellular respiration, photosynthesis, intercellular communication...). I feel like I have a pretty good handle on that stuff, but then some word will pop in my head and I won't be able to remember what the hell it means and I'll freak out.

We're all feeling the fatigue. I was studying with a group of postbaccs on Wednesday when someone brought up the ovarian cycle and my very smart Princeton-graduate friend said "When did we learn about
birds?!?!"

Ovarian. Not avian.

I spent ten hours studying yesterday. I'm taking it a little easier today. Drew and I are going to his parents' house and I'll spend a couple hours there going over my notes. Katie told me once that there is such a thing as studying too much for a test; I think I've reached that point. If I spent all day today in the library, I'd just be so burnt out by the end of the day.

 

I hope no one who reads this blog is turned off by the fact that I posted my grades in the margin. I go to this webpage several times a day as a quick way to find my favorite webpages (towleroad and drudge report). So I put my grades up there as a way to motivate me to get off the computer and get back to work.

Still, I realize it's kind of obnoxious.

I actually don't consider that anyone really reads this blog. And constantly updating it with boring-ass stuff about school is my way of keeping myself from boring all my friends with things like this. So, on that note...

I got an A on my chemistry final. I got 164/200 (which, I realize, doesn't sound like an A, but the average was 120). I was with my friend Sarah when I got my score, and she nearly slapped me when I responded with "I lost thirty-six points???"

I started to type a different ending to this posting, but now I've been sucked into a vortex. Honestly, how did I lose that many points?

 

My chemistry final was this morning. It started at 8:00am, so I had to be up at 6:00. Drew got up with me and made me eggs and sauteed spinach and coffee.

That test was hard. The practice exams he gave us were 16-17 pages long; the exam I took this morning was 23 pages. I raced through it and felt pretty good until the last third. I'm not so sure about some of that stuff. Our scores will be posted at 8:00pm tonight. I shouldn't even look at it until I'm done with biology. I don't really have time for test-score depression right now.

I've tried really hard this semester not to judge these undergrads. They're a good ten years younger than me, so I shouldn't go on and on about how immature they are. Obviously they're going to be immature... I should just ignore it. But sometimes it's hard. When my T.A. walked into the auditorium this morning before the exam all these silly little teenage girls started yelling "Vadim! Vadim we miss you! We love you, Vadim!" Come on, girls. Honestly. These were the same girls who, seconds earlier, were bragging about how they haven't slept in days and haven't studied for chemistry ("But isn't Vadim just THE CUTESTED?!"). It would be more tolerable if their grades were directly proportional to their maturity level. Unfortunately, a lot of them manage to do really well.

Earlier this week I was at the student union with my friend Sarah (who's in the postbacc program with me) when a pimply-faced freshman came up to her and said, "I was talking to my friend the other day and she was like, 'Postbaccs are old. They're like eighty!'" and then pimply-face giggled at how hilarious his friend is and looked to Sarah for a reaction. She just stared at him blankly.

Sarah: "There's nothing wrong with being older. We're more mature than a lot of you guys."
Pimply-Face: "I don't think so, really. I don't think a few years makes much difference."
Sarah: "Anyway, I'm not really that old."
Pimply-Face: "How old are you?"
Sarah: "Twenty-three."
Pimply-Face: "That's really not that old. Some seniors are twenty-three."

You should have heard the way he said it. It was like he was trying to convince someone that their coldsore really wasn't that noticeable. Like "don't feel bad! It's okay! Twenty-three isn't so terrible!"

It's hard not to be judgmental of someone who says crap like that.

 

I'm in the library studying chemistry right now and I just discovered that, although I showered this morning, I smell like B.O.. I should have checked the pits of this shirt before I put it on. I guess I've hung it up in the closet one too many times without washing it.

This is the kind of boring-ass entry you can expect this week. Ugh, I fucking smell.

 

Me at the library.

 

Drew packed my lunch today (carrots and salad and chocolates and fruit and $10). He's so sweet.

I spent all day in the library. I was there from 9:15-7:30. I feel a little better about chemistry today, but a little worse about biology.

At 7:30 my friend Sarah and I ate dinner (Drew had also packed me a microwavable burrito). Afterwards I went to Target to buy a Mother's Day card. Then I used the $10 to put four gallons of gas in my car. And right now I'm drunk on white wine left over from the housewarming party.

How did I end up here? How am I suddenly a 28 year-old taking finals for freshman-level classes? I don't regret it for a second; I'm happier now than I've been in years. Still, it's strange. I never thought I'd be in this situation again.

 

I spent all day yesterday at the library. Around 4:30 I took a break to get a bite to eat, but when I went to the ATM my balance was -$32.31. It's the end of the semester and my new loans haven't been dispursed yet. So I'm kinda screwed for a few days.

I called Drew and he said not to worry about it... that we'll be fine. But I hate not having my own money. And I also don't want to be a stress on him financially.

This is the last thing I need right now. I've made a brutal study schedule for myself this week (which started yesterday) and I really don't have time to sit there worrying about my checking account balance.