1. i will never go to the top of the arch on a windy day ever again. that was fucking scary.
2. st louis gay bars can be fun. some even have dragqueen bingo.
3. when i was thirteen and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, she asked my dad if he would take care of me and my sisters if she were to die, and he said no.
4. drew has a passionate distaste for organized religion.
5. if you were to watch home movies of my birthday celebrations from ages thirteen through seventeen you'd think i was an arrogant, controlling, little megalomaniac. and having just done so myself, i'm afraid i have to admit that you'd be right about that.
6. the greatest feeling in the world: showing your boyfriend your hometown (and embarrassing home movies) and having him appreciate everything about it (and about you) that is special and loveable. rednecks, fundamentalist christians and megalomania included.

 

"I believe everyone in the world has two soul mates, one is meant to break your heart, the second is supposed to mend it. That's the way it all works... How can you know when you find the right one if you don't go through the process of losing him?"
-- kvn

 

When it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do
When it's family, you accept them, 'cause you have no choice but to
When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you
And they always put you to the test
And you always try to do your best
And just pray for God to do the rest, when it's family

And when it's family you trust them and your heart's an open door
When it's family, you tolerate what you'd kill others for
When it's family, you love and hate and take, then give some more
Somehow you justify mistakes, try to find some better way
To solve the problems day to day, in the family

-- Dolly Parton

 

"relationships are nice things to have, but we have to do what's right for us."

it's a line i'll never forget. he sounded so exasperated, so annoyed, and so very, very through with me. it was new year's day 2003. i had just come home from visiting my family in missouri. i knew he had been unhappy; i didn't realize he had been so unhappy with us. he moved out a few days later. we'd been living together for two years. i admit i made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. if i had been a little older or a little more experienced, i probably would have understood that he was right to end it. i know now that we weren't meant to be together forever. but it hurt so much to hear those words. he sounded so callous. i spent the next year in various states of hating him and wanting him back.

i met him in 2000 while i was working on a terrible movie in quebec. when my job ended we had only known each other a few weeks. still, he decided to leave his life in montreal to follow me back to l.a.. we found an apartment in hollywood. we met with a lawyer at the gay & lesbian center who basically gave us no hope that he would be allowed to stay in the country. i remember feeling so desperate and so angry that a greencard marriage wasn't an option for us. the canadian wouldn't allow himself to think that way. instead, he decided to start his own business. in montreal, he and five partners owned a vinyl record import/distribution company. if he could get them to open a retail outlet, he could apply for an L1 visa. for weeks he rode his bike around hollywood looking for the right location. he convinced his partners to sign on. he met with lawyers. he applied for loans. it was a grueling process, but by april (four months after he arrived in the u.s.) his store opened on melrose avenue.

i've seen him five or six times since he ended things. we've chatted on IM and through emails. i consoled him recently when he confessed that he was lonely and felt unloveable. he helped me get through my first fight with drew by convincing me that i was capable of being faithful and honest with someone. he hasn't exactly been a friend. i don't think i'd know how to do that -- how to ignore our history together. but he is and always will be special to me.

a lot happened between the two of us that led to the breakup. i still blame the store for taking up too much of his time (he worked seven days a week for a solid year). i cheated on him. we had a lot of trouble communicating our feelings to each other. in fights i would get vicious and he would shut down. like i said, by the end it really wasn't working. but i did love him. he was a good boyfriend for me in so many ways. he pushed me to work hard and to want more for myself. he took care of my sister when she needed help. he helped me come out to my grandparents. i learned a lot about myself by sharing my life with him -- about what a relationship can bring into your life and what it can't.

yesterday the canadian left me a voicemail message. he's in montreal visiting his mother. he had a meeting this weekend with his partners. the import/distribution company isn't doing so well and they've decided to close the l.a. store. it's been operating in the red for a few months now. so the store will close its doors december 31st and the canadian will move back to montreal in mid-january. "i thought you should be the first to know," he said in his message. he was doing his best to sound upbeat, but i detected some sadness in his voice. i'm sad, too. sad for him -- knowing how much of his time and creativity has gone into building the store. and sad for myself -- that he won't be around anymore. we can go months without talking, but it's comforting just knowing that he's there. i called him back this afternoon and told him how sorry i was. "don't be sad," he told me. i told him i couldn't help it. i was going to miss him. "i have to meet drew now. just to make sure he's good enough for you." it was corny, but it was his way of letting me know that he cares.

relationships are nice things to have, fred. i hope you find one for yourself. you deserve it.

 

If I had a shiny gun,
I could have a world of fun
Speeding bullets through the brains
Of the folk who give me pains;

Or had I some poison gas,
I could make the moments pass
Bumping off a number of
People whom I do not love.

But I have no lethal weapon-
Thus does Fate our pleasure step on!
So they still are quick and well
Who should be, by rights, in hell.

Dorothy Parker

 

i've been housesitting for a friend these past two weeks... splitting my time between my friend's smelly house and drew's place. last night, after a couple weeks away, i returned to the apartment i share with my sister.

and it was nasty.

amanda kept apologizing for what a mess the place had become. "it's okay. i've seen worse," i said. it didn't bother me last night. but this morning when i went into the bathroom and saw the dried layer of brown scum at the bottom of the toothbrush caddy, i changed my mind.

it's not okay. c'mon, amanda. that's just wrong.