last night i dreamed that i was a patient at cedars sinai. i don't remember what the problem was -- just that a doctor handed me two six-inch screws and told me i had to insert them into myself. there was a small hole in my lower right rib and one in my lower stomach.

i went to a quiet area near a window. i couldn't seem to get the threads lined up right (yeah, there were threads inside of me). as i fumbled through several failed attempts, two women came to look out the window right next to me. i cheated to the left a little so they couldn't see my freakish screws. i was ashamed because i didn't know how to do it. and also because what kind of person needs to insert screws into himself?!?!

then i glanced up and saw that one of the women was former human being oprah winfrey.

i couldn't let oprah see my screws!!! i got the stomach screw threaded and was working away at it excitedly when she saw me. "boy -- what you doin'?" she asked in her signature i'm-really-just-a-poor-country-girl speak. i was so embarrassed. i just wanted her to go away and quit looking at me.

my analyst thinks that oprah represents someone who has freed herself from a history of abuse and that i feel that there is something fundamentally flawed and shameful about me.

my immediate reaction was: why would i dream about this bitch?

(seriously, you gotta read that. she really has turned into a total asshole).