things the annoying queen who sits 15 feet from my desk has said today:

1. "my email address is ____iching@aol.com. and if you don't know what the 'i ching' is, look it up." then, when pressed, he said it was "a form of ancient chinese divination." which is amusing for two reasons: (1) that he's so impressed with himself for knowing about the i ching and (2) that he actually made that part of his email address.
2. "who's in charge of making the coffee? you?" he had the nerve to look at me when he said that.
3. "the production manager at my last job said, '___, you're regal.' i did NOT take that as a compliment. 'regal" is not exactly... fashionable right now" fashionable? he neglects to realize what my best friend saw immediately: the production manager thought you were a totally annoying queen.
4. "jamie keeps emailing me that shit, but I can't have those files on my computer. I'm an ACCOUNTANT!!" suspicious. and funny that he thinks accountants are held to some high standard of total squeaky-clean professionalism. i just assume ALL accountants have porn (or worse) on their computers. how else could they make it through every miserable, soul-numbing day of their sad, number-crunching lives?

most of those (everything but #2, actually) were funny and provided some good, bitchy IMs to my best friend. but he consistently annoys me with one truly obnoxious act: HE DIALS WHILE ON SPEAKERSPHONE. BOOOOOO. every three minutes he hits the speakerphone button and cranks up the volume so we can all hear things like this: "beep beep beep.... beep beep beep beep... ring.... ring.... ring.... 'Hello?'.... 'hey, it's me.'.... 'oh, hey. how are--" then he picks up the handset. THAT SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED.

unfortunately, there's no way to say that without sounding like I'M the bitchy queen here. i guess there's just not enough room for two self-important, arrogant homos in this office space. (Unless both of us are hot. which, i'm sorry to say, just isn't the case.)

ADDENDUM: as I type this, he is listening to his voicemail messages on speakerphone. "To erase, press seven. [BEEP]. Message erased." YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!