sorry it's been so long since my last entry.

first of all, thanks to d___ for the new site design. i knew he'd offer to do it for me so i'm not sure why i didn't just ask him directly. i love the photo but told him that i'd have to get used to the white. at first i thought it was too cheery -- but i think the imperturbable coyote is a nice balance. if you have any thoughts let me know.

i have lots of excuses for not blogging lately, many of which are actually valid reasons. but the main reason is that i've been too confused to form coherent, relatable thoughts. over the past two weeks i've partially completed four different blog entries that are record-setting in length. all four are totally unpublishable. they don't make any sense. it's difficult to write your way through confusion. it can be therapeutic, but in my experience i find that i tend to try to write my way out of a difficult situation by ficitionalizing things. not to mislead you or anyone else -- but to mislead myself into believing that i understand what's going on in my own head.

things haven't been easy with d___ this month. it's been a struggle on both ends and there were a lot of fears that i didn't want to have to face. the good times with him are the best i've ever had, but as the relationship has gotten more serious those good times have been countered by feelings of extreme insecurity and anxiety. even now it's a struggle for me not to write "but now everything is great", for fear that everything is not yet settled between us. but i'm not going to let another week pass by without a blog entry -- i can't keep holding my breath, waiting for things to be easier.

we had a great time this weekend. here are some photos from a halloween party we went to on friday. see if you can find leanjoe & d___.