at 7:45am on tuesdays and fridays i can be found sitting on an aqua green sofa in my analyst's waiting room. on the end table next to the sofa there's a nameplate reading "please remember to turn off your cell phone". it sits between two ugly rocks. the kind that are rough and ugly on the outside but when you flip them over you can see that they are actually filled with beautiful crytsals. could these be... METAPHORICAL ROCKS? i think this - complete with sarcastic tone - every time. and then i flip the rocks over so only the ugly sides are showing. i refuse to be faced with such a cheerful metaphor so early in the morning.

then my doctor opens the door. i'm trying to get over this feeling i usually get... the feeling that there's something creepy about our "hellos" and "goodbyes." i just get the feeling i'm not supposed to say "good morning." that's not the vibe. so i always just walk past her and go into her office. i sit on a black leather chair. she sits on an identical chair facing mine. hers has an ottoman. i spend a lot of time staring at the ottoman. she never puts her feet on it. it has a tear on my side. i always want to turn it around so that the tear is facing her.

she never starts talking first. it's always me. sometimes i sit there in silence for a good twenty seconds. i feel like protesting her "method" (which i think is just rude) but her time isn't cheap so i always cave and start the conversation myself. it feels VERY AWKWARD. every time. "so...." she smiles but says nothing in response. silence. i look at the little rip in the ottoman. "uhm...."

[then we talk about a bunch of stuff i'm not going to blog about.]

the good-bye is equally stressful. when the forty-five minutes are almost up she usually says something like "before we finish i just want to say [insert meaningful thought]." that's my signal not to launch into something that will prolong the session. then when the moment has come she puts her hands on her knees and says "okay..." and i get up and walk to the door. again - it doesn't seem like a "good-bye" or "see you later" kind of moment. and "thanks" just seems wrong. so i've started this thing where i walk to the door, turn around and smile at her. she smiles back and nods her head. then i walk out. and every time i think "that was lame. my little smile."

i realize this all seems uber-neurotic and silly. but i just never encounter a problem like this anywhere else in my life. i have no problem with strangers. no awkwardness with other doctors. but there's something strange and veiled and unsettling about the way my shrink and i talk to each other when i'm not pouring my heart out to her. or, rather, the way we don't talk.

maybe i have a fear of silences. maybe i should talk to my shrink about that.