The MCAT has been shelved. I'd like to say it's over, but I can't honestly think that until I get my score. I may have to retake it in January. The test was on Saturday and it was brutal. People walked out. A girl broke down and cried at the end. I saw one kid from my Kaplan review class walking around in a daze at lunch. I asked him if he was okay and he said it was "half poker face, half fear." I said I felt like I was in a trance, which helped cut some of the tension. We couldn't decide if being in a trance was a good way to take the test or not.

Now I'm writing secondary applications. I was writing an essay just now and saw that under the boxes for the MCAT score the school said "If your verbal score is between 13 and 15 please enter 15 in the space provided'; i felt like throwing up. I got a 13 twice on my practice tests, but on Saturday I felt I gave a "10" performance. Today my fear has been that my score is 10/10/9, which would be one point shy of what I need.

I wanted to update the blog so many times in the past few weeks, but I was so incredibly anxious and I feared that putting that anxiety into words would make it seem insurmountable. Now I see I was right. Writing 10/10/9 made me sweat. I'm sitting here sweating now.

From where I'm sitting I can see my MCAT books on the shelf. I wish I could burn them.