The Canadian
I ran into The Canadian this past Thursday night.
I hadn't seen him since January. He looked different. He had lost some hair and quite a bit of muscle mass, and he seemed incredibly sad. I asked him how he was doing and he said "Not good."
"Why? What's going on?"
He hesitated before admitting "Drugs. Some prescription, some not prescription."
"What non-prescription drug, exactly?"
"Crystal."
Unbelievable. He used to get onto me for smoking pot. I could tell he was down, so I skipped the lecture.
"Where are you living?"
"Nowhere at the moment. My new boyfriend, Manuel, and I have been staying in cheap motels and bathhouses."
"Jesus. Do you need a place to stay?"
"No no no. Thanks, though."
"Well..."
I wasn't sure what to say now. "So tell me what else is going on. How's your mom?"
"I haven't talk to her in about a month, but I think she's doing well."
Jesus. He used to talk to his mother every other day.
"Now you're starting to scare me. What's going on with you? What happened?"
"Nothing good."
"Tell me."
"I'd have to write you a book."
"Give me chapter headings, then."
He smiled but he seemed uncomfortable with my questions. I asked for his number. He found me later and handed me a slip of paper. "Don't read it until you get home," he said.
I was too drunk to read it that night. To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. The next morning Drew and I found it on the bedside table.
It devastated me. That sounds so melodramatic, but I can't find words that come close to capturing how this note knocked the wind out of me.
"CHAPTER LIST
1 - Breakdown
2 - Depression
3 - Isolation
4 - Boyfriend #1
5 - Crystal addiction
6 - Abusive relationship
7 - Legal action
8 - Boyfriend 2
9 - Depression
10 - Suicide attempt
11 - Boyfriend #2 is awesome
12 - HIV + (boyfriend #2 is negative
13 -motels / bathhouses."
In January he was healthy. He was sober. He had a nice big apartment in Hollywood.
That was eight months ago.
I've put off writing this entry because I couldn't imagine turning this into a story that made any kind of sense. I can't wrap myself around this. I care about him so much. I spent more than two years thinking that he and I would grow old together. We talked about having kids and buying a house. We were building a life together. And somehow, even though that life ended a while ago, I feel like a part of me died last week. Like the guy I loved is gone now.
I hadn't seen him since January. He looked different. He had lost some hair and quite a bit of muscle mass, and he seemed incredibly sad. I asked him how he was doing and he said "Not good."
"Why? What's going on?"
He hesitated before admitting "Drugs. Some prescription, some not prescription."
"What non-prescription drug, exactly?"
"Crystal."
Unbelievable. He used to get onto me for smoking pot. I could tell he was down, so I skipped the lecture.
"Where are you living?"
"Nowhere at the moment. My new boyfriend, Manuel, and I have been staying in cheap motels and bathhouses."
"Jesus. Do you need a place to stay?"
"No no no. Thanks, though."
"Well..."
I wasn't sure what to say now. "So tell me what else is going on. How's your mom?"
"I haven't talk to her in about a month, but I think she's doing well."
Jesus. He used to talk to his mother every other day.
"Now you're starting to scare me. What's going on with you? What happened?"
"Nothing good."
"Tell me."
"I'd have to write you a book."
"Give me chapter headings, then."
He smiled but he seemed uncomfortable with my questions. I asked for his number. He found me later and handed me a slip of paper. "Don't read it until you get home," he said.
I was too drunk to read it that night. To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. The next morning Drew and I found it on the bedside table.
It devastated me. That sounds so melodramatic, but I can't find words that come close to capturing how this note knocked the wind out of me.
"CHAPTER LIST
1 - Breakdown
2 - Depression
3 - Isolation
4 - Boyfriend #1
5 - Crystal addiction
6 - Abusive relationship
7 - Legal action
8 - Boyfriend 2
9 - Depression
10 - Suicide attempt
11 - Boyfriend #2 is awesome
12 - HIV + (boyfriend #2 is negative
13 -motels / bathhouses."
In January he was healthy. He was sober. He had a nice big apartment in Hollywood.
That was eight months ago.
I've put off writing this entry because I couldn't imagine turning this into a story that made any kind of sense. I can't wrap myself around this. I care about him so much. I spent more than two years thinking that he and I would grow old together. We talked about having kids and buying a house. We were building a life together. And somehow, even though that life ended a while ago, I feel like a part of me died last week. Like the guy I loved is gone now.
Labels: The Canadian
1 Comments:
I'm so sorry. Not sure what to say....
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