Every second I put into school is a second invested towards -- something. My future, I suppose, although that sounds awfully silly. And anyway, it's not like I'm not getting something out of school now; I'm so much happier right now than I was a year ago. Infinitely happier. But the fact that MCATs and med school applications are coming up in a few months is a fact that confronts me every day, whether I like it or not.

I used to spend my days bumping around from one dead-end job to another with very little serious thought devoted to where I'd be five years later. When I was 21 I'm sure I thought I'd be deep into a successful career by 26. When I got to 26, I felt like I was too young to have anything figured out. Or at least I hoped that was the case, because I didn't know what the fuck I was working towards.

It's an adjustment to have to think about my future in concrete terms (i.e. where will I go to med school? Will we have to leave California? And will Drew hate me if we do? What kind of doctor should I be?). I'm pretty sure I used to just assume my future held lots of money and a cute husband. But instead of figuring out how I was going to get those things, I would just concentrate on getting to my crap job on time every day (a feat made tricky by the voluminous amounts of marijuana I was smoking).

My closest friend at school isn't doing so well. She's worried she might not be able to get into med school at all. It's rather upsetting, because she's one of those people who's extremely bright but just freezes up on tests. Her grades aren't even bad, but it's so competitive to get into these schools that more than two or three B's puts you at a serious disadvantage. And I think that's part of my problem. The pressure to do well is so all-consuming that I don't have much time to make a plan for what will happen next.

Actually, I think that's a total lie. I think that's just what I tell myself ("Just get through these next few tests before you worry about that stuff."). It's the force of a very bad habit; I'm comfortable thinking that everything will just take care of itself.

It's true, in a way, that there's not much I can do about the application process at the moment. But I've remained alarmingly ignorant of what is expected of me. Just yesterday I signed up for another biology class because I found out that it's required by the majority of med schools.

I guess this whole long boring-ass post is really just a way of convincing myself that I should go meet with my advisor. Blech. Okay. I'm emailing her now.